The loss of a sibling creates a radical change in a person's life, regardless of their age. The special bond and complicity built over the years, whether many or few, are abruptly and painfully severed (González Núñez, 2024). In the specific case of children, even when they are young, they face not only the emotional void left by the loss of their sibling but also the reality of seeing their parents completely devastated and unable to support them due to the immense pain of losing a child. According to González Núñez (2024), children must cope not only with their sibling's absence but also with the physical emptiness of a room they once shared, the games they used to enjoy together, and the free time they spent as partners in fun and entertainment, which further intensifies their sense of loneliness and loss.
Children’s Reactions to the Death of a Sibling
How a child reacts to the loss of a loved one is a personal experience (González Núñez, 2024). While some express their sadness quietly and reservedly, others may exhibit challenging and uncontrolled behaviors. Often, children observe and are influenced by the reactions of other family members, especially their parents’ emotional responses. According to González Núñez (2024), each child’s response also varies depending on their developmental stage, as each one has different defense mechanisms and skills to handle the void left by a sibling’s death.
A child's response to this situation may largely depend on the nature of their relationship with their sibling, their individual characteristics, the reasons behind the death, their age, and other relevant factors (González Núñez, 2024). It is important to note that for some children, losing a sibling can be as difficult as losing a parent, and sometimes even more so. This is due to the strong bonds that typically unite siblings—bonds that are extremely special. Siblings not only share adventures, mischief, and experiences throughout life but often also share the same physical space, such as a room. Thus, according to González Núñez (2024), the sense of emptiness a child may feel after losing a sibling is extremely deep and hard to manage.
The Emotional Weight of Losing a Sibling
The experience of losing a sibling often reactivates old guilt that the child may have accumulated over time (Sánchez, 2022). Although siblings respect each other, they often go through conflicts more than once. Each child’s personal identity is largely shaped through contrasts and comparisons with their siblings. There may have been moments of distance or episodes of tension in that process, but despite all conflicts and differences, siblings often build strong and indestructible bonds. Therefore, according to Sánchez (2022), when a sibling dies, a child may experience a certain desire to torment themselves over past events, such as not sharing a toy.
On the other hand, when dealing with the death of a child, it is crucial for parents not to neglect the surviving children, as they are also going through a time of profound grief (González Núñez, 2024). Despite the emotional devastation in such a painful situation, children need attention, understanding, and comfort. According to González Núñez (2024), now more than ever, the family must stay united to face the painful loss and provide mutual support.
Facing the Taboo of Death
In various societies and cultures, death remains a taboo topic (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). However, it is undeniable that everyone will eventually face this experience, either directly or through the loss of loved ones. Death generates distress, an unquestionable reality, but what increases that feeling is the lack of certainties and the fact that it is covered by a veil. This covering allows fantasies to flourish, causing even more fears and questions. Some of the questions that arise include whether it is really as frightening as to make people unwilling to talk about it or whether everyone suffers at the moment of death. Specifically, according to Seppi Vinuales (2023), when it comes to children, it is crucial not to underestimate the emotions they experience regarding death while also providing information appropriate to their developmental level and understanding.
Children’s understanding of death becomes increasingly complex as they go through different stages of growth (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). Seppi Vinuales (2023) mentions that while this understanding is influenced by multiple factors, such as personal experiences and social and cultural factors, knowing what kinds of thoughts and concepts are expected at different ages can be a useful tool for addressing this topic appropriately.
From birth to around 2 years old, children do not yet develop a formal concept of death as such; however, from about 6 to 8 months of age, they can perceive the absence of a person, although they do not yet understand what death itself means (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). According to Seppi Vinuales (2023), as the child approaches 2 years old and makes significant advances in areas such as socialization, language development, and increased autonomy, they become more aware that the important person will not return, reinforcing the idea of loss and giving it greater meaning in their daily life.
In the age group from 3 to 6 years, children often view death as a temporary and reversible phenomenon, reflected in their belief that the caregivers in their lives will not die (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). According to Seppi Vinuales (2023), this inability to fully grasp the concept of death naturally leads them to ask questions like whether their deceased grandfather can still hear them.
Finally, between the ages of 6 and 10, children begin to think about death in more concrete terms, such as biological implications, understanding that, for example, the process of dying involves stopping breathing (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). Additionally, according to Seppi Vinuales (2023), at this age, they are able to understand that death is a universal and irreversible phenomenon and begin to show increased interest in the rituals associated with death and saying goodbye to loved ones.
Advice for Telling a Child That Their Sibling Has Died
Death is an experience that causes distress, but the beliefs or fantasies that often arise around it can be equally distressing (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). For this reason, as Seppi Vinuales (2023) suggests, it is most appropriate to explore what children are experiencing and support them appropriately through this process.
Allow Space to Discuss the Topic
Just as with other topics, it is recommended that adults take on the role of guiding, always providing accurate and reliable information (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). This approach, based on the concerns of the person asking the question, also allows for regulating the type of information offered. This is even more important when it comes to the death of a sibling, as hiding the situation is not a viable option. The topic should not be avoided or minimized. Open dialogue and the grieving process are essential for the proper emotional management of children. For instance, if a child expresses concern about why their sibling is still in the hospital and not coming back, it is logical to provide true information, adjusted to their level of understanding and stage of development. According to Seppi Vinuales (2023), phrases like "keep playing, don’t worry about it," or trying to make it seem like nothing is happening should be avoided.
Respond to Their Concerns
When communicating with a child about their sibling’s death, it is crucial to listen attentively and actively to aspects that might interest them (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). For example, the child might want to know if their sibling suffered during the process or if death itself is painful. Alternatively, they might be worried that the cause of death was due to frequent fights or because they hid their toys. This means that, depending on the child’s age, their concerns will be more concrete and less symbolic. From an adult perspective, some questions might seem like a sign of not taking the matter seriously, but this is not the case. Such questions reflect the meanings and constructions of the child’s world. Instead of judging, Seppi Vinuales (2023) suggests that the adult’s role should be to provide calm and relieve any possible feelings of guilt.
Explain Death Using Situations and Experiences They Can Relate To
The way a child is told about their sibling’s death should be adapted to their previous experiences that allow them to better understand the situation (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). An example of how to explain this process is through a nearby experience, such as the death of a pet. You might say something like: "Do you remember when your pet died? You felt bad, it was painful, and you were sad. But sometimes, you remember playing with them and it makes you happy, even though you might still feel sad sometimes. But you always keep them in your heart, and that makes them close to you." This way, not only is the absence of death explained, but also how emotions can vary over time. Similarly, in line with Seppi Vinuales (2023), this approach provides a sense of comfort by knowing that the deceased person remains present in the heart and memories.
Children Have Their Own Theory About Death
It has been observed that children, even if they haven’t asked explicit questions about it, develop their own perception of death as this concept is part of their universe (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). This can be seen in their play activities, where they often depict situations in which they or fictional characters die or cause the death of others. Consequently, according to Seppi Vinuales (2023), it is not alarming for children to feel curiosity or talk about death, as it is a natural and universal phenomenon that must be accepted naturally.
What makes a difference in how children face this topic is the emotional support provided during the grieving process (Seppi Vinuales, 2023). This support not only comes from parents but should also be extended from educational institutions. It is crucial to understand that informing a child about their sibling’s death is not the same as helping them process this information on a practical level. Children need not only to receive a certain amount of information but also to understand the underlying reality, a process that comes with an emotional burden. In this context, it is important to recognize that after the loss, children may regress in their previously achieved milestones. Behaviors such as needing to sleep with the light on or requesting the presence of their caregivers at bedtime may arise. In these cases, Seppi Vinuales (2023) suggests that the key lies in constant presence and emotional support, avoiding leaving them alone at such a crucial time.
Tips for Supporting a Child After the Loss of a Sibling
Returning to school can be challenging for a child due to the different treatment they might receive from peers and teachers (González Núñez, 2024). It is crucial to prepare the child to handle uncomfortable questions that might arise at school and explain that any comments they receive are not made with bad intentions, but that their peers and teachers care about them. The grieving process following the death of a sibling must be carefully supported by the family. Children may feel very confused and disoriented, as they do not understand the meaning of death and may fear their parents’, grandparents’, or uncles’ emotional reactions. Death represents a new and unknown experience for them. According to González Núñez (2024), grieving children seek answers and security from their parents, who, in the face of losing a child, may feel overwhelmed and unable to provide the necessary answers.
It is essential to be available at all times when the child needs to talk (González Núñez, 2024). Questions should be answered whenever a suitable response is available; otherwise, there is no need to worry. Similarly, according to González Núñez (2024), the child should not be forced to speak if they are not willing.
Honesty in Explanation
Depending on the child’s age, it is important to clearly communicate what has happened to their sibling (González Núñez, 2024). Phrases like “they are sleeping” or “they went on a trip to heaven” should be avoided, as such expressions may cause fear in the child, worrying that something similar might happen to other loved ones when they sleep or are away. According to González Núñez (2024), it is necessary to explain death to the child clearly, giving them the opportunity to ask all the questions they need.
Maintaining Routine
It is essential to avoid excessive overprotectiveness of the surviving child due to fear of potential incidents (González Núñez, 2024). The child should continue with their school routine, as well as their usual activities and meal times. According to González Núñez (2024), maintaining this routine will provide a sense of security and stability during a period of uncertainty.
Patience with Repeated Questions
The child may repeatedly ask questions about their sibling’s death (González Núñez, 2024). It is important to be patient with these concerns, explaining what happened without fearing to admit that there are questions for which there is no answer. According to González Núñez (2024), the absence of the sibling may be overwhelming, but over time the child will process the grief.
Managing Intense Emotions
It is recommended to reserve the most intense emotional reactions for private moments (González Núñez, 2024). However, there should be no fear in showing pain in front of the child, as it is crucial for them to understand that feeling sad about a loss is not negative. The loss of a sibling is particularly difficult for a child, so it is important to support them through their process of saying goodbye (González Núñez, 2024). For greater understanding and support during these processes, the guide "An Important Person Is No Longer Around" can be very helpful. This resource offers practical guidance on addressing loss and grief in children, assisting parents in managing these situations with sensitivity.
References
González Núñez, P. (2024). Cómo Afronta un Niño la Pérdida de un Hermano. Eres Mamá. https://eresmama.com/afronta-nino-la-perdida-hermano/
Sánchez, E. (2022, mayo 10). La Pérdida de un Hermano: el Duelo Fraternal. La Mente es Maravillosa. https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/perdida-hermano-duelo-fraternal/
Seppi Vinuales, M. F. (2023, junio 3). Cómo Decirle a un Niño que su Hermano Murió. Mejor con Salud. https://mejorconsalud.as.com/decirle-nino-hermano-murio/
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