It is a difficult task to communicate to a minor that someone they love is ill or has passed away (UNICEF, 2020). The situation becomes even more complex during the COVID-19 health emergency, which has disrupted the lives of everyone and has posed the challenge of adapting to new ways of living together. According to UNICEF (2020), by communicating these facts appropriately, support can be offered to the child to better cope with anxiety, loss, and pain they may experience.
Strategies for Talking to Children About Death
Communicating death to a minor should be done as soon as possible and through someone they trust and feel close to, preferably their parents (Cid Egea, 2011). A moment of intimacy should be found to inform the child about the passing of a loved one (Díaz, 2013). This way, the child is given the protagonism they need and is allowed to ask questions, express doubts, and voice any fears they may have on the subject. According to Díaz (2013), this can be difficult to achieve due to the emotional complexity involved in loss, but it is necessary for the child to feel part of the process.
The message conveyed to them should be clear and understandable, without using metaphors that may confuse them (Carpio, 2013). In the case of believing families, it may be helpful to say that the deceased is "in heaven with God," as this provides them with a reference that aligns with their religious faith and helps them accept the situation. However, convoluted narratives should be avoided. The child needs to understand that they won't see this family member again because if it's not explained well, the idea of "grandpa is in heaven" or "he's on a star" can make them believe that grandpa is an astronaut or that he will come back. A young child can only absorb limited information; explanations need to be brief and simple. Metaphors are not necessary unless the child is too young. In line with Carpio (2013), if the child can understand what has happened, they should always be told the truth.
Encouraging Emotional Expression
Children should be informed about the death of a loved one as soon as possible and kept calm, though without suppressing emotions (Díaz, 2013). By avoiding talking about death, a misleading message is conveyed to them: "it's something bad and it's better not to mention it if mom and dad don't"; or "I'll make mom and dad sadder if I talk about this" (Carpio, 2013). Therefore, the child cannot be isolated from the emotions of adults, as they perceive crying, sadness, silence, lack of outlets, and distancing from friendships. The child is aware of what has happened and must learn to manage those emotions (Carpio, 2013). In these situations, it is normal to be emotional, and it is positive for children to know that emotions are valid and can be expressed (Díaz, 2013). However, according to Díaz (2013), there is an exception: if the person responsible for communicating the death has a disproportionate emotion, it is advisable to choose a more neutral person from the environment to explain it.
Educating in Emotional Expression
Children need to learn to express their emotions, including the pain of losing a loved one (Cid Egea, 2011). To do this, they observe how adults express their grief and sadness. If adults cry, children learn that crying is not bad and that sadness can be expressed through tears. If adults deny their feelings, do not allow their children to see their pain, or pretend to be fine, children interpret that this is the correct way to act. This deprives them of permission to feel sadness or cry, preventing the pain from being expressed in a healthy and restorative way. Showing feelings to children provides them with tools to confront their own pain. In line with Cid Egea (2011), crying or feeling sad does not imply leaving them unprotected or appearing weak, but quite the opposite: it becomes a model of expression of emotions that they do not yet know.
If the adult's emotion is very intense or overwhelming, they can seek the help of another adult to accompany the children or to contain their own emotions (Cid Egea, 2011). This will allow the emotions not to be so impactful for them when they are with their children. According to Cid Egea (2011), it is not about hiding sadness or crying, but expressing them calmly so that children do not get scared and can cry and grieve when they need to.
Observing their behavior is also fundamental, as it may show signs such as disinterest in playing, not wanting to be with friends, seeking more physical contact, and closeness with the family (Díaz, 2013). These changes in behavior may indicate that the child is going through a difficult time, both before and after the death of a loved one. Instead of trying to distract children, it is essential to teach them to manage and live with sadness. This is because a child also needs to mourn a loss and requires support, understanding, and affection. It is important to teach them to express their emotions according to their age, whether through crying, drawing, or verbalizations like "I miss mom" or "I miss grandpa." According to Díaz (2013), they should be explained that the sadness they feel is normal, so that younger girls and boys learn to identify their emotions.
Addressing Concerns
One of the main questions that arise in this situation is whether the truth should be communicated to the child or not (Cid Egea, 2011). The answer is clear: both children and adolescents have the right to know the truth, but this truth must be adapted to the cognitive and emotional capacity that the child has to understand and integrate it (Cid Egea, 2011). It is common for the child to show curiosity about the details related to death, so it is crucial to respond with sincerity and naturalness (Díaz, 2013). If the answer is unknown, it can be admitted that it is unknown. It is not necessary to provide all the information at once, but it can be done gradually (Díaz, 2013). The death should be explained in real terms, emphasizing its irreversible, definitive nature, and cessation of vital functions (Cid Egea, 2011). For younger children, Cid Egea (2011) highlights that it may be useful to illustrate these concepts with examples of the death of an animal they have witnessed.
The first truth that a child should know is that the person has died and that they will never see them again (Cid Egea, 2011). There is no need to fear using the words "dead" or "died," as they are the necessary starting point for achieving a good understanding of what happened. Likewise, it is important to inform them of what happens to the body when someone dies, as this explains the end of life: the body stops and disappears. In the explanation of the death of a loved one, the beliefs about what happens to the person who dies can also be included, that is, religious or spiritual beliefs, but the explanation should not be limited to this aspect. Children need to know the physical part of what happens to the person who dies: it should be said that the person has died and that their body no longer thinks, feels, or sees. According to Cid Egea (2011), it should also be explained that their body has been placed in a coffin and buried or cremated.
Subsequently, according to the religious or spiritual beliefs held in the family, it can be explained to them that it is thought that the person has a special part that is not seen or touched, called a soul or spirit, and that this part goes to a place called heaven, which cannot be gone to, touched, or seen, and that it is in memory where one can continue to be with that person (Cid Egea, 2011). However, if the child has not been initiated into religion, it is not advisable to do so at the time of the death of a family member, as it could confuse them. Also, according to Cid Egea (2011), expressions like "God wanted mom to be with Him" or "God has taken grandpa away" should be avoided, as they could generate fear.
Children of all ages may ask questions about why death occurred, such as "Why did mom have to get sick and die? Why did dad have an accident? Why did this happen to us?" (Cid Egea, 2011). These questions are difficult to answer, and there is no need to feel bad if you do not have the answer or if the same questions are asked. In accordance with Cid Egea (2011), it can be said to children that it is not known why it happened, that there are things that cannot be controlled, and that death is one of them.
It should be considered that, despite offering an explanation of what happened, the child may feel many things that need to be clarified (Cid Egea, 2011). It is important to assure them, whenever possible, that they have no responsibility for the death of their relative and that they should not blame themselves, as many children often experience this feeling when losing a close family member, especially the youngest, who have a magical and egocentric thinking until approximately 10 years old. Some children may believe that they influenced the death of their loved one, perhaps because they got angry with them, felt jealous, misbehaved, etc. Therefore, it is important to help them express this concern, since, sometimes, it can alter their personality and plunge them into pathological or complicated grief. According to Cid Egea (2011), the main objective is to help them understand that death is not caused by thoughts, emotions, or some behaviors.
Another aspect to consider is the state of helplessness and insecurity that many children feel when a relative dies (Cid Egea, 2011). Therefore, it is crucial to provide them with security and protection, especially the youngest, to alleviate their fear that another family member may die. It is key to prevent their magical thinking from being activated, thinking that death can "spread" and affect another family member. It is about ensuring them that everyone is fine, healthy, and will take care of them. Faced with the death of a family member, children and adolescents sometimes ask with some anguish about their future. Children worry about how their lives will be now and if the changes that will occur will affect their activities, their games, their birthdays, or their vacations. According to Cid Egea (2011), it is important to understand that what motivates them to ask about these things is the fear that their world will collapse.
So that they can cope with their loss appropriately, it is essential to talk to them and reassure them about the continuity of their lives: their friends, their activities, their routines, their games, their birthdays, etc. will remain the same (Cid Egea, 2011). This helps them feel secure in their world and prevents their grieving process from being complicated by feelings of uncertainty and unease about their future and emotional stability. Additionally, it is important for children, adolescents, and adults to share and listen that the deceased person will always remain in their hearts, in their memories, and in their minds, which helps alleviate the anguish of forgetting them or of them disappearing from their emotional life. According to Cid Egea (2011), remembering them, telling things about them, having objects or photos of them, etc., allows them not to confuse death with forgetting or total disappearance, as if the person who died had never existed.
Accompanying Children in Farewells
Introducing children to the rituals performed when a person passes away, such as the wake, burial, and funeral, is another important way to explain the death of a family member to them (Cid Egea, 2011). The family must make this decision, but generally, children can participate in farewell ceremonies organized from the age of six. It is advisable for them to participate reasonably if they are old enough to understand what they will see and hear during and after the religious services. Attending the wake, burial, or funeral serves the purpose of making children, preadolescents, and adolescents feel included in the family system and receive comfort, shelter, and company during these difficult times. Keeping them apart from the family during these moments of unity can cause them a lot of pain. According to Cid Egea (2011), they need to be part of what is happening and say goodbye in the same way as everyone else.
These rituals also help the farewell to take place at a specific time and in a specific space (Cid Egea, 2011). Sometimes, children can be left with a deep sense of emptiness for not knowing what has happened or where their relative is now. That's why it's important to prepare them in advance for everything that will happen. Telling them in advance what the burial or funeral entails, what happens there, as well as the meaning of condolences and each farewell ritual, will help them understand the reality of the situation and not dwell in fantasy. It is also essential for an adult to accompany them at all times, take responsibility for them, and answer any questions they may have. If the child does not wish to attend these rituals, their decision must be respected, without forcing them or making them feel guilty. According to Cid Egea (2011), the door can always be left open for when they want to visit the place where their relative is buried, accompany them, and explain anything they need to ask.
References
Carpio, J. Á. (2013, noviembre 1). Cómo explicar la muerte a los niños: “Siempre hay que decir la verdad”. RTVE.es. https://www.rtve.es/noticias/20131101/como-explicar-muerte-a-ninos-siempre-hay-decir-verdad/780285.shtml
Cid Egea, L. (2011). Explícame qué ha Pasado. Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. https://www.psie.cop.es/uploads/GuiaDueloFMLC[1].pdfDíaz, P. (2013, enero 24). Cómo Explicar la Muerte a los Niños. Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. https://www.fundacionmlc.org/como-explicar-la-muerte-a-los-ninos/
UNICEF. (2020). ¿Cómo Contarle una Mala Noticia a un Niño? UNICEF. https://www.unicef.org/ecuador/historias/¿cómo-contarle-una-mala-noticia-un-niño
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