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Writer's pictureJuliana Eljach

Childhood Grief After Divorce

When couples decide to separate or divorce, they face a grieving process that, in most cases, causes deep emotional pain and can lead to both physical and psychological discomfort (Esquivel, 2016). This process is not uniform, as some divorces are carried out with greater calm, understanding, and ease than others. According to Esquivel (2016), the nature of the relationship, the years of cohabitation, and the available emotional and social resources are determining factors in this experience.



Impact of Divorce on Children of Different Ages

Under Two Years Old

When a divorce occurs while the child is still a baby, the child does not have the intellectual capacity to understand the situation unfolding (Castillero Mimenza, 2017). However, changes in daily routines and the emotional state of the parents can be perceived by the child, which may manifest as fear, sadness, aggression, and crying. It is crucial that, at this age, the child does not associate the separation with abandonment by one of the parents. Therefore, it is essential that both parents maintain frequent and constant access to the child. Additionally, according to Castillero Mimenza (2017), an explanation of the situation can be offered using simple language suitable for the child's level of understanding.

Between Two and Three Years Old

At this stage, the child acquires speech and psychomotor skills, as well as achieves various milestones in cognitive development (Castillero Mimenza, 2017). It is common for stress caused by the divorce to result in setbacks in previously acquired skills, manifesting in behaviors such as bed-wetting, encopresis, or nightmares. Additionally, the child begins to become aware of their emotions, although they still lack the tools to express them properly. Often, they may feel abandoned or even fantasize about the possibility of the parents getting back together. Therefore, it is crucial to offer support to help them express their emotions, motivating them and helping them understand that both parents care for them. It is important, according to Castillero Mimenza (2017), to maintain a routine and keep usual behavioral boundaries, as this helps provide a sense of security and continuity.

Between Three and Seven Years Old

Between the ages of three and seven, as children grow, their cognitive skills also develop (Castillero Mimenza, 2017). During this stage, it is essential to consider that their perception of the world is egocentric and dominated by magical thinking. This means that children may interpret the breakdown of a relationship as an event that directly affects them, leading them to feel that the separation is, in some way, their fault. Additionally, it is common for them to fear being unloved, which may result in extreme obedience or denial of the parental breakup. For this reason, according to Castillero Mimenza (2017), it is essential that the divorce be communicated clearly and understandably, ensuring that the child understands they are loved, will not be abandoned, and are not responsible for the separation.

Between Seven and Twelve Years Old

At this stage, children have developed the ability to recognize that there are different perspectives and emotions beyond their own, allowing them to understand that their parents may be going through moments of suffering (Castillero Mimenza, 2017). This understanding may lead children to withhold their thoughts and feelings about the family situation. As a result, decreases in school performance and the manifestation of behavioral problems, such as fighting with other peers, may occur. During this stage, it is crucial for children to understand the situation they are in. Therefore, it is important to provide clear explanations about the family dynamics and upcoming changes. However, it is possible that they still harbor fantasies about a potential reconciliation between their parents. In this context, according to Castillero Mimenza (2017), it is necessary to guide them to understand that such a reconciliation will not occur.

Adolescence During Divorce

As adolescents move through this stage of life, they begin to gradually build their identity and develop a deeper understanding of the situations around them (Castillero Mimenza, 2017). In the context of a poorly managed divorce, it is common for teens to blame one of the parents, which may lead to rebellion beyond what is typical at this stage. Additionally, they may engage in risky behaviors or take on roles as confidants to protect their parents. Therefore, it is important that during this stage, the situation is communicated clearly, and the adolescent is included in certain aspects, such as custody, without assigning responsibilities that are not appropriate. Furthermore, in line with Castillero Mimenza (2017), it is essential to monitor any risky behaviors that may arise during this process.



Roles of Children in Divorce

In the context of divorce, several roles that children assume in relation to their parents can be identified. First, the "child-child," who often seeks to obtain from one parent what they cannot get from the other, which leads to involuntary manipulation in the relationship (Ayala, 2017). On the other hand, the "adult-child" finds themselves in a situation where their parents expect maturity that is not appropriate for their age, creating an emotional burden that can be harmful to their development. There is also the "messenger-child," who is used by the parents as a communication channel; this is the only way the parents manage to communicate, which may create an unnecessary sense of responsibility for the child. Additionally, according to Ayala (2017), the "therapist-child" feels obligated to help their parents overcome the separation, assuming a redemptive role that transforms their natural role into that of a therapist for the adults.

Another role that may appear is the "burden-child," who feels displaced when one of the parents remarries and has a new child; in this case, the child is ignored, which affects their self-esteem and sense of belonging (Ayala, 2017). The "avenger-child" represents one of the more severe categories, as the child takes sides in conflicts between the parents, even when no one has asked them to do so, which may hinder their emotional development. The "divided-child" is another common example, where the child alternates between their mother and father, adapting to contradictory rules and being advised on what to say when meeting with the other parent, creating confusion and anxiety in their development. Finally, according to Ayala (2017), the "object-child" is trapped in the expectations of their parents, adorned with all the virtues the parents wish to see in them, leading them to become involved in adult concerns and developing a personality that seeks power at the expense of their own identity.



How to Support Children After Divorce

The type of thinking a child adopts, whether positive or catastrophic, can play a crucial role in their ability to cope with difficulties after a divorce (Salek & Ginsburg, 2020). Parents have a significant influence in helping children assess situations realistically, thus avoiding the adoption of catastrophic thinking patterns that tend to assume the worst. Furthermore, it has been shown that children exhibit greater resilience and experience less stress in environments where there is less conflict between their parents and when the divorce removes them from homes marked by confrontation. Therefore, according to Salek & Ginsburg (2020), it is essential to protect the child from family disputes as much as possible.

Additionally, children benefit when both parents actively and positively participate in their lives, provided they are capable of caring for and protecting their children (Salek & Ginsburg, 2020). In particular, maintaining a good and supportive relationship with the non-residential parent translates into benefits for the child. Both parents should listen carefully to their children's concerns, offer emotional support, assist them in their daily tasks, and maintain clear rules and expectations regarding behavior. According to Salek & Ginsburg (2020), children who grow up in an environment filled with affection and established limits thrive, so a stable and consistent approach to parenting during the divorce process is essential for their well-being.

Children tend to adapt better when their parents collaborate, communicate frequently, and establish consistent rules in both homes (Salek & Ginsburg, 2020). Consistent discipline from parents is particularly important as it establishes clear boundaries that do not vary significantly between the two family environments. Additionally, it is important for parents to support each other rather than undermine each other's authority. In times of change, it is essential for children to maintain as many routines as possible. Finally, children who develop the ability to seek and receive support from others adapt better to the changes resulting from divorce. Therefore, children should be encouraged to talk to their parents, friends, or trusted adults about their experiences and be guided in seeking support. According to Salek & Ginsburg (2020), it is crucial to show them that asking for help from others is an act of courage.



Overcoming the Guilt of Divorce

Parents often experience feelings of guilt related to divorce as they perceive the failure of their relationship and worry about the impact this situation may have on their children (Salek & Ginsburg, 2020). While it is preferable for families to stay together, the presence of hostility in the home can be harmful to both the parents and the children. As a result, according to Salek & Ginsburg (2020), if the parents are happier being apart, it is likely that they will spend more quality time with themselves and their children, thus avoiding the negative energy generated by constant confrontation between both parties.



References

  1. Ayala, S. (2017, junio 7). El Duelo del Niño Ante la Separación con los Padres. Asociación Mexicana de Psicoterapia y Educación. https://www.psicoedu.org/el-nino-ante-la-separacion/?v=ab6c04006660

  2. Castillero Mimenza, O. (2017, julio 23). ¿Cómo Afecta el Divorcio a los Niños Según su Edad? Psicología y Mente. https://psicologiaymente.com/social/como-afecta-divorcio-ninos

  3. Esquivel, M. (2016, julio 24). El Divorcio de los Padres, ¿Cómo Afecta a los Hijos? Psicologia y Mente. https://psicologiaymente.com/psicologia/divorcio-padres-afecta-hijos

  4. Salek, E. C., & Ginsbur, y. K. R. (2020). Cómo Apoyar a los Niños Después de que sus Padres se Separan o Divorcian. American Academy of Pediatrics. https://www.healthychildren.org/Spanish/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Paginas/How-to-Support-Children-after-Parents-Separate-or-Divorce.aspx

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