Many adults hold the belief that children do not understand death or are not affected by it, but this assumption is incorrect (Ortego, n.d.). It has been noted that children tend to live more in the present, have shorter attention spans, and easily get distracted, allowing them to "forget" their pain more often, giving the impression that nothing has happened. However, this does not imply that they have forgotten the deceased person or do not miss them (Ortego, n.d.). Therefore, it is important for adults to help children express their emotions (Taberno, 2019). Fortunately, it has been observed that the majority of children manage their grief without major complications. However, it is equally important to be aware of strategies to assist them and better understand the process of childhood grief. According to Taberno (2019), how adults manage their grief of losing someone will influence the grieving process of the children around them.
Childhood Grief
Grief is commonly associated with death, but this process also encompasses other forms of loss, such as the loss of a pet, the loss of a significant object, among others (Taberno, 2019). In essence, grief is the emotional adjustment process that follows any loss. Undoubtedly, the death of a loved one is the most challenging situation one has to face. Death evokes a range of emotions, such as pain, sadness, loneliness, among others, and all these emotions need to be expressed to be effectively managed (Taberno, 2019). How children manage these emotions depends on various factors, including their developmental stage, temperament, social environment, and, particularly, the attitude of the adults around them (Arbizu, Kantt & Cepeda, 2020). According to Sánchez (2013), how loss experiences are processed in childhood will determine the ability to cope with later experiences of loss.
Generally, adults are not well-prepared to navigate grief, as they often avoid discussing death, abandonment, or separation (Taberno, 2019). However, children develop an understanding of illness and death through a process that depends on their developmental level and cognitive maturity (Ortego, n.d.). Hence, it is crucial that the child is accompanied by individuals who provide the necessary support and external defenses (Arbizu, Kantt & Cepeda, 2020). The actual disappearance of a significant external object brings about noticeable changes in their internal world, as they remain highly dependent on external objects for coherence. On the other hand, due to their more flexible ego defenses, children are equipped with greater resilience and adaptability. According to Arbizu, Kantt & Cepeda (2020), after the death of a parent, many children perceive changes in their daily lives to which they also need to adapt.
The death of a parent, in particular, implies a reduction in family income, which can lead to a change of residence and, in this case, a change of school and the possible loss of friends (Arbizu, Kantt & Cepeda, 2020). The death of a mother often signifies a decrease in the quantity and quality of childcare. Therefore, psychological adjustment is related to the emotional impact that the event has on the surviving caregiver. Likewise, in line with Arbizu, Kantt & Cepeda (2020), it was found that psychopathology in adulthood, after the loss of a parent in childhood, correlates with the adequacy of care during that loss.
In terms of behaviors, children may quickly return to activities such as watching television, playing, drawing, among others (Arbizu, Kantt & Cepeda, 2020). Sometimes, adults may not understand this and may perceive this behavior as if the child has already moved on from the deceased, but that's not the case. The adult behaves differently because if they start to enjoy some outings or moments, they might feel guilt or feel like they are betraying the deceased. Children's grief is expressed more through their bodies and behavior (Arbizu, Kantt & Cepeda, 2020). Therefore, it is important to encourage clear communication at the time of the death of a significant person for the child (Ortego, n.d.). Also, in accordance with Arbizu, Kantt & Cepeda (2020), it is crucial not to hide emotions when facing the death of a loved one, as they will serve as a model for children in emotional learning.
Finally, it is essential to consider that a child's cognitive level and experience are limited, making it easier for them to draw erroneous conclusions if they are not provided with clear and accurate information, or if they are not allowed to ask questions (Ortego, n.d.). Therefore, it is important to provide the child with truthful and age-appropriate information, as well as allowing them to ask questions, clarifying their doubts, mistakes, and fears. According to Ortego (n.d.), sometimes, as a result of loss, children may fear other losses, and that anxiety can lead to behaviors that are difficult to understand, such as being very anxious in any situation requiring separation from their caregivers.
Differences in Childhood Grief versus Grief in Adults
The grieving process for the loss of a loved one holds diverse meanings for both adults and children, depending on the situation and the age at which the individual faces such circumstances (Betancur, n.d.). However, a child's experience of grief is distinct from that of an adult (Arbizu, Kantt & Cepeda, 2020). The experiences of loss and grief have a more significant impact on children, as they affect a being still in development, whose defenses, cognitive abilities, emotional support, and coping strategies are still in the process of formation (Arbizu, Kantt & Cepeda, 2020).
While grief in adults generally follows a series of stages that vary only in relation to the emotional closeness to the departed, children's grief involves two variables: one related to the direct relationship with the caregiver and another related to how they perceive reality based on chronological age (Betancur, n.d.). Therefore, according to Betancur (n.d.), childhood grief involves a more deeply rooted dependency relationship between the child and the deceased adult.
The familial relationship is crucial in terms of the difficulty of grief and coping stages for both children and adults (Betancur, n.d.). It is particularly pertinent to childhood grief since the process in children is directly linked to their perception of death, making it essential to identify their understanding of death given their intellectual capacity. In addition to emotional and psychological development aspects, the level of dependency of the child becomes a key factor, as the child's dependence on the adult in the early stages is fundamental. Consequently, it is of vital importance to review the relationships established after the grieving process with other individuals and environments. According to Betancur (n.d.), under conditions that hinder the overcoming of grief, children generally employ a series of denial mechanisms that allow them to enjoy pleasant situations more easily than adults.
Arbizu, J., Kantt, M., & Cepeda, C. (2020). Los niños y niñas frente a la muerte y el duelo. Revistas.unc.edu.ar. Recuperado 3 October 2021, a partir de https://revistas.unc.edu.ar/index.php/aifp/article/view/31686/32523
Betancur, M. EL DUELO INFANTIL POR LA PÉRDIDA DE UN SER QUERIDO Y LAS DIFERENCIAS CON EL DUELO DEL ADULTO. Repositorio.ucp.edu.co. Recuperado 3 October 2021, a partir de https://repositorio.ucp.edu.co/bitstream/10785/4876/1/DDEPCEPNA79.pdf
Otego, M., López, S., Álvarez, M., & Aparicio, M. El Duelo. Ocw.unican.es. Recuperado 3 October 2021, a partir de https://ocw.unican.es/pluginfile.php/1575/course/section/2034/tema-11.pdf
Sánchez, I. (2013). LA VINCULACIÓN AFECTIVA Y EL CAMINO DE LA VIDA. APEGO, PÉRDIDA Y PSICOPATOLO GÍA INFANTIL. Psiquiatria.com. Recuperado 5 October 2021, a partir de https://psiquiatria.com/trabajos/usr_555289354.pdf
Taberno, C. (2019). El duelo en la infancia: un proceso que necesita comprensión. La Mente es Maravillosa. Recuperado 3 October 2021, a partir de https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/el-duelo-en-la-infancia-un-proceso-que-necesita-comprension/
