How to Cope with the Death of an Abuser?

When abusive parents pass away, it is common to experience mixed emotions (Sabater, 2021). Many people may be surprised to feel pain in such a situation. So many emotions converge that it is common to fall into a state that is difficult to clarify, compounded by the additional factor of not knowing how to act in this situation. In fact, it is not unusual for some people to find themselves in a situation where others say things like: "From what you've told me about your father/mother, I think you must feel relieved knowing they're gone." However, beyond the inappropriate nature of this statement, not everyone feels only relief; in reality, the loss of an abuser or someone who denied them the right to receive healthy and enriching love can reopen many past wounds that have not yet healed. Therefore, according to Sabater (2021), these situations can be more traumatic than they appear.

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Suffering Does Not End with Death

When abusive parents pass away, for some, it seems that everything is resolved (Sabater, 2021). Death, being the physical absence of someone, is perceived as the tangible loss of a figure, and therefore, it is assumed that everything is settled. However, when the deceased is someone who caused suffering, many things remain and sometimes even reactivate. In fact, the death of a family member who inflicted suffering tends to reopen old wounds. Research, such as that conducted at the Queen's Children's Psychiatric Center in New York, reveals that physical or psychological abuse causes a rupture in identity and leaves a mark of anger in the person, as well as a constant doubt about why their caregiver acted that way towards them. These sequelae persist into adulthood and reopen with the loss of that parent. Therefore, in line with Sabater (2021), instead of experiencing relief from the situation, it is more common to feel pain.

Emotions After the Abuser's Death

Given that contemporary society tends to minimize topics related to death and mourning, considering them largely as issues to be forgotten, silenced, ignored, rejected, or hidden, it becomes even more challenging to achieve social validation and acceptance of the emotions experienced by a victim of abuse in response to the death of their abuser (Arrabales Moreno, 2020). This difficulty increases when the abuse itself is a situation often silenced, denied, and hidden. When the abuser is a family member, as occurs in 10% of children estimated to be victims of physical abuse in Spain, social norms seem to demand that the victim, who simultaneously becomes the mourner, experiences sadness and deep pain over the loss of their family. However, according to Arrabales Moreno (2020), in these circumstances, feeling relief or even joy should not be considered a pathological response.

Fear and Anxiety

Victims may wonder if the disappearance is real or if it is a manipulation tactic, which could cause them a fear that prevents them from feeling safe (Dandelion Bereavement Support, 2022). Additionally, they might question how things will develop now that the abuser, who always gave orders, is no longer there. For those who could not leave the house, death could imply the possibility of doing so freely, but fear may also accompany this new freedom. The expectation of possible repercussions may not fade simply because the person has died. In cases where financial abuse was involved, the survivor might face economic difficulties now that the "provider" is gone, generating anxiety about the future. In such situations, according to Dandelion Bereavement Support (2022), it is likely that they are unaware of their current financial state, especially if the abuser incurred debts in their name and had access to bank accounts.

Depression

Feelings of depression, which may or may not amount to clinical depression, are a common experience in both the context of grief and following domestic abuse, so they are likely to manifest when both factors are present (Dandelion Bereavement Support, 2022). According to Dandelion Bereavement Support (2022), the individual who has survived these experiences has faced significant trauma, and the feelings of depression they experience are a natural reaction to such circumstances.

Guilt

There are numerous reasons why the survivor may experience feelings of guilt after a death (Dandelion Bereavement Support, 2022). Self-blame related to the situation is highly common after having suffered domestic abuse, even in the absence of a death. In some cases, the person may feel guilty for experiencing relief upon hearing the news of the death or for having wished for the death as a way to escape the threat without facing the danger of leaving. Additionally, according to Dandelion Bereavement Support (2022), it may occur that the abuser committed suicide as a reaction to being abandoned or brought to justice, which can further intensify feelings of guilt.

Loneliness

It is common for abusers to isolate people, as this isolation makes them more vulnerable and easier to control (Dandelion Bereavement Support, 2022). Death may have left the survivor in a situation of loneliness, with no one to share their grief with. Even with an extensive support network of friends and family, the survivor is likely to still feel alone in their grief. Because domestic abuse is an extremely complex process, it is difficult for outside observers to understand how it is possible to continue loving or depending on someone who has had such a negative impact on the individual's life. For this reason, according to Dandelion Bereavement Support (2022), survivors often feel deeply alone in their grief, as those around them are unlikely to fully understand their situation.

Shame

People may experience loneliness in their suffering caused by an abuser and, at the same time, feel deep shame for these feelings and for the persistent control that person still exerts over them (Dandelion Bereavement Support, 2022). Additionally, in line with Dandelion Bereavement Support (2022), it is likely that their self-esteem has been so eroded by the abuser that shame becomes a frequent emotional reaction to any event in their lives.

Helplessness

Abusers often exert total control over their victims' lives, which can lead to survivors feeling completely helpless when they die (Dandelion Bereavement Support, 2022). When these individuals are no longer accustomed to making decisions for themselves or enjoying the freedom to leave at will, the sudden change that allows them to do these things can be disorienting and overwhelming. Consequently, according to Dandelion Bereavement Support (2022), they may not know what steps to take next.

Relief

It is natural that when a terrible situation ends, those who have lived through it experience a sense of relief (Dandelion Bereavement Support, 2022). This relief may manifest in various ways, such as the survivor no longer having to face the danger of trying to separate from the abuser, or no longer living in fear of possible repercussions for ending the relationship. Additionally, according to Dandelion Bereavement Support (2022), relief can also come from the finality of the situation, as now that it has ended, those involved can no longer be manipulated into that horrible experience again.

Disbelief

It is common for survivors not to truly believe that the abuser is gone; the situation may not feel real to them, and therefore, they may not immediately feel safe (Dandelion Bereavement Support, 2022). Sometimes, according to Dandelion Bereavement Support (2022), they may need to see the abuser's body or attend the funeral to fully accept the reality in which they are safe.

Anger

There are numerous reasons why a survivor might experience anger during the grieving process (Dandelion Bereavement Support, 2022). One reason could be frustration at seeing others mourning the abuser. Another possible reason is anger at the fact that the abuser died before being brought to justice, thus avoiding facing the consequences of their actions. Furthermore, death may provide the emotional space needed to begin processing the abuse and channeling anger related to the situation. It is important to note that this is not an exhaustive list of the feelings that a survivor of domestic violence may experience following the death of an abuser. However, according to Dandelion Bereavement Support (2022), it is crucial to recognize that any emotion that arises is understandable and represents a natural reaction to such complex circumstances.

Persistent Pain After the Death of the Abuser

An abusive father or a narcissistic or unaffectionate mother essentially steals childhoods (Sabater, 2021). It is common that when abusive caregivers die, the person experiences sorrow for everything they lived through. This person feels pain for what could have been and was not, for a disrupted existence, a broken childhood, and many shattered dreams due to those experiences (Sabater, 2021). Abuse in the family context involves multiple dilemmas for the victim, including the conflict related to one person acting as both caregiver and abuser simultaneously (Arrabales Moreno, 2020). Additionally, in line with Arrabales Moreno (2020), in families where sexual abuse occurs, dynamics centered on isolation, shame, and secrecy develop, leading to emotional, social, and behavioral problems in the victims.

These problems, far from disappearing with the abuser's death, intensify when the victim and other family members attempt to build a new identity in a family system lacking healthy dynamics (Arrabales Moreno, 2020). In a sense, the abuse seems to persist even after the abuser's death. From an attachment theory perspective, according to Arrabales Moreno (2020), when the abuser is a caregiver, the victim is likely to develop a disorganized attachment style, which also complicates identifying their own emotions and forming healthy intimate bonds that support the grieving process.

Complicated Grief Due to Abuse and Mistreatment

Given the high incidence of child sexual abuse and physical mistreatment within families, it is common for a grieving process to become complicated when the deceased is the abuser of the bereaved (Arrabales Moreno, 2020). The traumatic experiences resulting from mistreatment can place the victim in a more compromised position to face grief, which is often mistakenly considered atypical. In this context, multiple risk factors are present since the relationship was, at the very least, ambivalent; the mistreatment causes psychological trauma, and furthermore, social norms do not provide the necessary support. Other risk factors, such as low self-esteem or lack of support from the family environment, are often associated with the victim’s condition, which frequently manifests as caregiver neglect and/or family system disruption. According to Arrabales Moreno (2020), the victim possesses defense mechanisms that are already developed and established in their mental functioning, such as repression, denial, or dissociation.

The Incessant Doubt After the Death of Abusive Parents

When abusive parents die, the persistent doubt of why they acted that way resurfaces in the victims’ minds (Sabater, 2021). In some cases, children are forced to care for their parents in their final moments. Often, there is hope that during these final moments, the parent might offer an explanation for their actions or even express an apology. However, according to Sabater (2021), this hope is not always fulfilled, leading to a new form of pain.

How to Face the Loss of Traumatic Figures

To address the question of what to do when abusive parents pass away, it is crucial to understand that each individual handles this situation uniquely. Some people have decided to completely cut ties with the parental figure who caused them trauma, while others have chosen to maintain the relationship despite past problems. In general, according to Sabater (2021), it is advisable to reflect on these different realities and consider them in order to manage the situation appropriately.

To Attend or Not to Attend the Funeral?

Funerals can be considered, to some extent, as rituals intended primarily for the living rather than the dead (Sabater, 2021). There are various ways to say goodbye to someone, as long as it is desired. In this context, the most important thing is not to be influenced by external pressure or that of other family members. According to Sabater (2021), the decision to attend or not attend a funeral belongs solely to the individual, and this choice should be made by evaluating which option will provide the most comfort in closing that chapter.

Acknowledge Every Emotion and Feeling

It is not helpful to tell oneself phrases like "they are gone, now it’s over" (Sabater, 2021). Accepting or integrating this idea may cause more harm than good. It is crucial for the person to go through the stages of grief, and for that, it is essential to acknowledge and recognize every emotion they experience. It is entirely normal to feel anger, especially when reliving past anger associated with each lived event. Similarly, it is completely valid to feel pity for the loss of a parent. According to Sabater (2021), every emotion is valid, every sensation is correct, and it is appropriate to go through them, allowing them to be expressed and released.

Deactivate Unhelpful Thoughts

Many people who have experienced some form of abuse tend to hold onto unhelpful and even harmful thoughts (Sabater, 2021). Mourners often think things like, "Maybe if I had done this, that wouldn’t have happened," or "I should have said this to make that happen." According to Sabater (2021), this type of thinking is not beneficial; in fact, what it does is intensify the pain associated with the original wound over the long term.

A Personal Closure to Grief

When abusive parents die, it is necessary to go through a grieving process and close that chapter (Sabater, 2021). This process is personal and complex, during which it is essential for the person to rely on close individuals, heal the memories that resurface with the loss, and somehow rebuild themselves to begin a new phase. Additionally, as noted by Sabater (2021), it is important not to forget to seek professional help if deemed necessary.

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