It is perfectly normal for a human being to experience anger or rage when faced with the loss of a loved one (Arévalo, n.d.). However, these feelings are often misunderstood, which makes it difficult to express them (Murray, 2019). According to Sabater (2020), the complexity of these emotions lies in the difficulty of managing the accumulation of sensations that arise, where anger and incomprehension at what has happened transform the individual's character and immerse them in a state of profound vulnerability.
William Shakespeare used to say that crying makes grief less deep, but when the person does not allow themselves emotional release, it becomes a burden that sinks them deeper and deeper into the pit of despair (Sabater, 2020). Of all the stages of grief proposed by Elisabeth Kübler - Ross, the second, characterized by anger and frustration, is probably the most conflicted. In this stage, the person becomes fully aware of the death of the loved one, but instead of accepting it, they rebel. The mind seeks out culprits, which generates feelings of injustice, resentment, and anger that become deeply rooted. Emotions become a furious wind that constantly shakes the clothes hanging on a line, deforming them and wanting to tear them from their moorings. According to Sabater (2020), the person longs to be in control, but feels incapable, as the anger in the grieving process turns into fury and often turns them into someone they are not.
How Does Anger Manifest Itself in the Grieving Process?
Anger arises as a natural response to the loss of a loved one, as normal as sadness or fear (Pastor, 2021). This instinctive emotion allows the human being to face what the brain interprets as a threat (Sabater, 2020). The death of a loved one transforms the life of the mourner, generating anger towards life, family beliefs and even towards the deceased, who, in a way, abandons the mourner. Experiencing such realities is completely normal. In fact, several studies mention that there are really no "normative" griefs. Therefore, each person processes and copes with pain individually. However, according to Sabater (2020), some griefs can be complicated, such as frozen or delayed grief, where the unresolved loss is maintained over the years, which in many cases leads to depression.
Obsession with What Happened
When a person loses a loved one, they often ask themselves too many questions (Sabater, 2020). During this process, it is common to ask questions full of anger: Why? Why her or him? Why didn't he go to the doctor sooner? Why did God make him suffer so much? Why is there still no treatment for this disease? These ideas become fixed and obsessive points in the mourner's mind, trapping them in their grieving process. According to Sabater (2020), the obsession with what happened, the search for explanations and culprits, feeds the anger itself.
Hypersensitivity
Anger in the grieving process often leads to the person suffering from hypersensitivity (Sabater, 2020). Suddenly, any unexpected stimulus, news or sudden event affects the mourner intensely. According to Sabater (2020), they overreact to everything negatively, anything affects them in an uncontrolled and even devastating way.
Change of Personality and Character
One thing to understand about anger is that it has a transformative power (Sabater, 2020). The mourner loses motivation, patience and interest disappear, they even stop connecting with people. In the same way, empathy is reduced, since suffering forces them to focus only on themselves (Sabater, 2020). In short, according to Gil (2017), anger in grief can generate avoidance responses and can lead to introspection and withdrawal as an adaptive response to the development of their process.
How to Deal with Anger?
Emotions are not controlled, but rather they arise, are experienced and managed (Pastor, 2021). If people try to exert strict control over them, oppression is caused and an internal tension is produced that will seek another space to escape. According to Pastor (2021), repression often manifests itself through somatizations or in ways that do not benefit the individual, either abruptly or directed towards the person closest at that time.
Recognize and Accept Anger
This first step is essential, as it allows people to reflect on the causes of their anger and, more importantly, allows them to discover constructive ways to deal with this feeling (Arévalo, n.d.). Therefore, according to Arévalo (n.d.), recognizing anger can help avoid destructive behaviors, such as drug abuse or excessive alcohol consumption.
Forgiveness
Forgetting insults can be difficult, but what happens when the damage has been caused by someone who is no longer present? Forgiveness, even after the death of the loved one who caused the harm, allows you to remove from your mind the negative thoughts that feed anger (Arévalo, n.d.). However, according to Arévalo (n.d.), forgiveness does not imply accepting what the other person did, but rather stopping using that fact against them and preventing anger from dominating the person.
Writing
Writing or keeping a journal can help a person analyze why they are angry, describe how they feel, and how they react to that emotion (Arévalo, n.d.). It is important to note that emotions are real, but they are not always rational, meaning they are not always logical. According to Arévalo (n.d.), when people write about what they feel, they not only cognitively select what they would like to see, but they also choose the best way to deal with it.
Exercise
Physical exercise is presented as a beneficial alternative for releasing anger (Murray, 2019). Whether through a leisurely walk, a group sport, or a visit to the gym, physical activity provides a tangible outlet for this emotion. In turn, exercise generates the secretion of endorphins, substances that contribute to improving mood (Murray, 2019). These endorphins, known as the happiness or pleasure hormones, give the body a feeling of well-being and tranquility (Arévalo, n.d.). According to Arévalo (n.d.), endorphins act as a fundamental impulse for people to overcome personal crises.
Being Compassionate
Anger and compassion are two emotions that are at opposite poles (Arévalo, n.d.). The Dalai Lama has emphasized that compassion is the most effective path to tranquility. When an individual is able to understand the suffering of others and decides to act to alleviate it, anger dissipates and a positive perspective opens up. However, compassion must also be directed towards oneself. According to Arévalo (n.d.), this implies that, despite recognizing negative aspects in oneself, one chooses to cultivate positive feelings.
Seeking Help
If you are experiencing feelings of extreme anger or a lack of control over it, it is recommended to seek professional help (Miller, n.d.). In correspondence with Arévalo, it is important to seek a mental health professional who has the training and tools necessary to help the person manage and let go of feelings of anger, since unresolved anger can become a symptom of depression.
References
Arévalo, L. Lidiar con la ira durante el duelo. AARP. Recuperado 7 September 2021, a partir de https://www.aarp.org/espanol/recursos-para-el-cuidado/expertos/Lyda-Arevalo-Flechas/info-2015/ira-duelo-rabia-perdida.html
Gil, J. (2017). EL DUELO EN UNA SOCIEDAD GLOBALIZADA: ESTUDIO COMPARATIVO DE LA EXPERIENCIA DEL DUELO DE DIFERENTES CULTURAS EN MALLORCA.. Tesisenred.net. Recuperado 7 September 2021, a partir de https://www.tesisenred.net/bitstream/handle/10803/565414/tjgb1de1.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y
Miller, A. Dealing With the Anger Stage of Grief. Dying.lovetoknow.com. Recuperado 14 September 2021, a partir de https://dying.lovetoknow.com/coping-grief/dealing-anger-stage-grief
Murray, J. (2019). Why we need to talk about anger in grief. Marie Curie. Recuperado 14 September 2021, a partir de https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/talkabout/articles/anger-in-grief/253186
Pastor, P. (2021). El enfado y la rabia en el duelo: por qué sentimos ira ante la muerte. Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. Recuperado 7 September 2021, a partir de https://www.fundacionmlc.org/enfado-y-rabia-duelo/
Sabater, V. (2020). La rabia en el proceso del duelo. La Mente es Maravillosa. Recuperado 7 September 2021, a partir de https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/la-rabia-en-el-proceso-del-duelo/
Commentaires