Grief is a process that all individuals face, as each day on the calendar brings gains and losses (De Dios, 2020). However, to the already challenging farewell, complicated by the pain of recognizing what will not return, the feeling of guilt or resentment is added (De Dios, 2020). In correspondence with Sánchez (2021), whether real or imaginary, moderate or excessive, guilt reflects the values of the person experiencing it.
The Influence of Social and Religious Context
Religion has been a significant factor in the Western world for centuries (De Dios, 2020). It has influenced daily aspects, such as performing certain rituals, as well as a particular worldview. Religion has conceptualized an eternal life beyond this one and posited the existence of an omnipotent God who observes people and expects them to act in a certain way. Despite warnings from philosophers like Nietzsche about the risks of doctrine, religion persists, especially in farewells. According to De Dios (2020), many may have abandoned religion for most matters, but not when facing the loss of a significant person who is no longer present.
This aspect is positive because almost no religion separates life from the afterlife (De Dios, 2020). That is, none proposes another realm or life where communication is impossible. In this sense, just as forgiveness from divinity is possible or feasible, so is forgiveness for the person who is no longer in the sensory world. In fact, religion has been shown to be a protective factor for mental health in the face of major catastrophes or attacks. In those moments, being able to give meaning to the loss, whether more or less realistic, is a significant step. As per De Dios (2020), farewell rituals serve as both a buffer for suffering and an opportunity for redemption, communication, farewell, and even for building a shared story.
The Different Faces of Guilt in Grief
Guilt is a feeling related to something that happened and the bereaved person believes cannot be changed (Pastor, 2021). This causes distress, irritability, and sadness (Pastor, 2021). However, according to Fredes & Chigó (2019), guilt can become stronger than sadness, hindering not only the well-being of the mourner but also the possibility of trying.
Exaggeration of Love
There is a type of guilt that arises from exaggerating love (Sánchez, 2021). The mourner, despite wanting to avoid the circumstances, could not do so (Sánchez, 2021). They fall into the temptation of imagining a different situation repeatedly, as if by correcting it repeatedly, they could change reality (De Dios, 2020). According to Sánchez (2021), the mourner assumes an excessive responsibility, ignoring limits and forgetting that there are things that do not depend on love.
Unresolved Issues
Another type of guilt is caused by not resolving pending issues with the person who is no longer there (Sánchez, 2021). The mourner feels remorse for not expressing enough love, for not listening or thanking the loved one, or for not being present in important moments (Cubel, 2020; Sánchez, 2021). In correspondence with Sánchez (2021), these feelings of guilt can be an opportunity to reflect and modify behavior in the future.
Not Meeting Others' Expectations
A third source of guilt is not meeting the expectations of other people (Sánchez, 2021). This generates negative emotions in the mourner that intensify when seeing the impact on their surroundings. Sánchez (2021) mentions that, although others expect improvement, a lack of understanding, acceptance, and support can lead the mourner to silence and hide their feelings.
Unfulfilled Wishes
The fourth aspect is related to unfulfilled wishes (De Dios, 2020). This type of guilt is common in primary caregivers of people with chronic illnesses (Pastor, 2021). The relief that may arise after death generates guilt for the physical and emotional strain that caregiving responsibility entails. This can raise doubts about the love they had for the departed person. Additionally, in correspondence with Pastor (2021), this feeling is difficult to express due to fear of social judgment.
Rebuilding Existence
Guilt can also arise when starting to feel improvement, enjoying life, and experiencing moments of joy (Sánchez, 2021). In this guilt, the basic belief is "if you are not well, I cannot be well," and it is used to maintain a connection with the deceased person (Cubel, 2020). In correspondence with Sánchez (2021), the mourner may fear that this implies forgetting the loved one, betraying them, ceasing to love them, among other possibilities.
Functions of Guilt in Grief
Connection with the Deceased
Guilt can act as an unconscious way to maintain a connection with the deceased loved one (Magaña, 2015). By thinking over and over about what happened, what was done, and what was left undone, the grieving person avoids facing the deep sadness that comes with loss (Fredes & Chigó, 2019). Guilt, in correspondence with Magaña (2015), with its component of anger, rebellion, and nonconformity, may be more tolerable than sadness, which pushes the mourner toward reflection and acceptance of their own limits.
Transitory Relief
Guilt can also provide transitory relief by giving the false idea that the mourner has control over the death of their loved one (Magaña, 2015). Thinking that there was a culprit implies that death could have been avoided if things had been done differently (Fredes & Chigó, 2019). This fallacy, in correspondence with Magaña (2015), prevents the person from being fully aware of the finitude of human existence.
Adjustment of Values
Thirdly, guilt also serves an adaptive or readjustment function by helping the grieving person readjust their values that have been violated by the loss (Magaña, 2015; Fredes & Chigó, 2019). According to Magaña (2015), the pain of feeling guilty can act as a form of atonement and help the person accept the new reality.
Defense Mechanism
Guilt acts as an emotional buffer, protecting the individual from the abrupt impact of the pain and sadness that comes with loss (Magaña, 2015). However, Magaña (2015) mentions that over time, guilt must give way so that the person can move toward true self-connection through reflective sadness.
Releasing Guilt During Grief
Expressing to an Appropriate Interlocutor
During the grieving process, it is crucial to find an interlocutor who listens with empathy to the doubts, fears, and feelings of the mourner without passing judgment or providing rigid evaluations (Pérez, s.f.). This interlocutor can be a understanding family member or friend, a support group, or a grief specialist therapist. According to Pérez (s.f.), simply verbalizing and being heard about guilt-related thoughts can generate considerable emotional relief.
Recognizing Human Limits
Many times, the mourner may feel an excessive responsibility for events that objectively escape their control (Pérez, s.f.). In correspondence with Pérez (s.f.), it is essential to carefully analyze whether the loss could indeed have been avoided, considering the ability to foresee dangers or interpret risk signals that could have caused a loss.
Clarifying Responsibilities with Accusers
If the environment blames the mourner for the loss, it is important to seek dialogue to clarify misunderstandings (Pérez, s.f.). If an in-person meeting is not possible, a message can be written expressing the responsible and limited role of the mourner in the circumstances that have arisen. If this initiative fails, according to Pérez (s.f.), mediation through a third party professionally trained to handle conflicts, such as a therapist, mediator, or peace judge, can be sought.
Practicing Well-being Activities
To counteract guilt-inducing thoughts, it is recommended to engage in activities that promote emotional well-being (Pérez, s.f.). For example, according to Pérez (s.f.), prayer, meditation, manual tasks, physical exercise, reading grief handbooks, enjoying movies or music, or immersing oneself in nature are options that can help cope with guilt.
Amending the Error, if Any
If guilt is based on a real mistake, it is important to turn it into responsibility by seeking concrete actions to correct it (Pérez, s.f.). In the case of an accident, for example, compensating the affected parties can be sought. If this is not possible, in correspondence with Pérez (s.f.), a symbolic act in honor of the deceased, such as a donation to a foundation, a solidarity campaign, or joining a volunteer group, can be undertaken.
Seeking Professional Help
If the aforementioned strategies fail to alleviate guilt, it is crucial to seek professional help from a grief specialist (Pérez, s.f.). A qualified therapist can assist in managing guilt feelings that cannot be handled independently and address various situations that may arise during the grieving process, such as the deceased person's birthday, the first holidays without the loved one, or the anniversary of the death (Vázquez, 2018; Pérez, s.f.). According to Vásquez (2018), these moments can generate new waves of pain that are important to consider, and therapeutic support can be invaluable.
References
Cubel, M. (2020). La culpa en el duelo. Magda Cubel. Recuperado 15 September 2021, a partir de https://magdacubel.es/duelo-perdida/la-culpa-en-el-duelo/
De Dios, S. (2020). La culpa en el duelo. La Mente es Maravillosa. Recuperado 15 September 2021, a partir de https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/la-culpa-en-el-duelo/
Fredes, M., & Chigó, S. (2019). Tu Partida. Guía para el Duelo.. Issuu. Recuperado 22 September 2021, a partir de https://issuu.com/hospitalcalvomackenna/docs/gui_a_para_el_duelo_p__2019
Magaña, M. (2015). La culpa durante el duelo. Culpa, querida enemiga. Postgrados de Psicología. Recuperado 15 September 2021, a partir de https://blogs.ucv.es/postgradopsocologia/2017/10/15/la-culpa-durante-el-duelo/
Pastor, P. (2021). El sentimiento culpa en el duelo tras la muerte de un ser querido. Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. Recuperado 15 September 2021, a partir de https://www.fundacionmlc.org/se-instala-culpa/
Pérez, J. 6 Consejos para liberar la culpa durante el duelo. ManejodelDuelo.com. Recuperado 15 September 2021, a partir de https://manejodelduelo.com/la-culpa-durante-el-duelo/
Sánchez, R. (2021). Los cuatro tipos de culpa que afectan al proceso de duelo. Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. Recuperado 15 September 2021, a partir de https://www.fundacionmlc.org/los-cuatro-tipos-de-culpa-que-afectan-al-proceso-de-duelo/
Vázquez, C. (2018). Claves para superar el duelo por la pérdida de un ser querido. ElDiario.es. Recuperado 22 September 2021, a partir de https://www.eldiario.es/consumoclaro/cuidarse/claves-superar-duelo-perdida-querido_1_1837639.html
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