The loss of a loved one is an event that can be both traumatic and distressing, especially when it occurs unexpectedly (Mitjana, 2022). This process becomes even more complex if the deceased was the primary caregiver, as the death of a father or mother creates a turning point in the lives of those who have experienced this painful farewell, a shared experience for all humans at some point in their lives (Mitjana, 2022; Nicuesa, 2024). According to Nicuesa (2024), in such situations, children and other family members often feel that they did not have enough time to process what happened.
Understanding the Grieving Process
Before addressing the resources that can be employed to emotionally manage the loss of a loved one, it is crucial to understand the grieving process (Mitjana, 2022). In the context of a loss, people go through a series of grieving stages, though there are variations in how this process unfolds. Depending on various circumstances, some individuals may remain longer in certain stages than others, and at times, may even revert to an earlier stage. In some cases, such as when there are pre-existing illnesses, anticipatory grief can develop, allowing survivors to confront the pain associated with this process and eventually move forward after the inevitable outcome. However, according to Mitjana (2022), in situations where anticipatory grief is not possible, especially when the loss occurs suddenly, the difficulties in processing the event increase significantly, complicating the emotional process.
The Unreal Nature of Sudden Loss
The most prominent feature of an unexpected death is the struggle with the sense of unreality (Pastor, 2014). It is common for the bereaved not to feel the pain of the loss immediately after a sudden death. When observed reactions of sustained calmness or great tranquility occur in those who have just lost a loved one, such responses are often attributed to coldness or even strength, either positively or negatively, but in any case, they are surprising. These reactions often result from basic defense mechanisms that protect from pain. People cannot face what they are not prepared to endure. These internal protective mechanisms allow the mind and body to process what has happened. According to Pastor (2014), each individual has their own timing for confronting the reality of death, and this timing must be respected.
Coping with Unexpected Loss
When someone faces the sudden loss of a loved one, it is likely that they will need more time to process what has happened, and their energy will primarily be focused on this process rather than other matters (Pastor, 2014). During this time, the bereaved will experience distress, pain, confusion about what happened, and even a sense of insecurity. Death is always difficult to assimilate, and the sense of unreality may intermittently alternate as part of the acceptance process. When death occurs suddenly, the task of adaptation becomes even more complicated. According to Pastor (2014), it is common to hear bereaved individuals who have experienced a sudden loss describe how reality hits them suddenly, in waves, alternating between the sense of unreality and the feeling of living a nightmare.
Strategies for Coping with Sudden Death
To cope with the sudden death of a caregiver, it is essential to clarify that there are no magic formulas, but rather useful strategies that collectively provide support during the process (Mitjana, 2022). Despite an individual's ability to handle emotional situations, they are likely to face deep pain and a significant sense of loss of control over the events occurring. Moreover, according to Mitjana (2022), since parents are often the primary attachment figures, it is common to feel a great sense of helplessness at their loss.
Navigating the Stages of Grief
In the current context, it is essential to experience each of the stages of grief outlined by Elisabeth Kübler - Ross (Mitjana, 2022). According to Mitjana (2022), understanding this process is crucial for navigating each stage of grief effectively, as these stages do not occur in a linear fashion but rather follow a cyclical pattern, repeating over time until the integration of the loss is achieved, rather than simply "moving on" from it.
The first stage is denial, which manifests when receiving the news of a loved one's death and experiencing an inability to process this information (Mitjana, 2022). At this moment, the mind tries to distance itself from reality as a form of protection. During this stage, it is common to experience a sense of shock that prevents connection with the current situation. Additionally, one may feel disbelief regarding the events and a sense of unreality, as if the event were a dream. It is important to allow yourself to feel all emotions without rushing. Ultimately, according to Mitjana (2022), this shock phase will eventually be overcome.
Once the denial stage has been passed, anger often manifests, and this is precisely when emotions tend to overflow, frequently resulting in confusion about how to manage them appropriately (Mitjana, 2022). It is crucial to understand that, in this stage, anger tends to emerge strongly, and it is important to allow this emotion to be expressed, as long as adaptive ways to channel it are found. Therefore, according to Mitjana (2022), it is essential to recognize that anger is an integral part of the process; however, it is equally important to be aware of its presence to avoid directing it towards others, which could cause wounds that may become an emotional burden in the future.
After the storm caused in the previous stage, the negotiation phase presents itself, resembling a kind of truce that individuals attempt to establish while processing what has happened (Mitjana, 2022). During this phase, individuals seek to negotiate with a higher power, be it God, the universe, or any entity of their belief, hoping that death could be reversed. In this stage, thoughts focus on the illusion that it is possible to undo what has already occurred. This phase is usually very brief. It is important to allow oneself to go through this phase, as it is normal for the mind to seek to negotiate with pain and what has happened. Sometimes, according to Mitjana (2022), this negotiation is an unconscious search for answers.
When one becomes aware that it is not possible to reverse time, the next stage, depression, emerges, where sadness completely engulfs the person (Mitjana, 2022). After experiencing the previous emotional turmoil, depression causes a drop in the person's mood. It is common for many people to try to speed up this stage, perceiving depression as something solely negative; however, this perception is incorrect, as this stage is essential for navigating the grieving process healthily. Nevertheless, in accordance with Mitjana (2022), it is crucial to pay attention to avoid becoming stuck in this phase, which could hinder the necessary progress in the grieving process.
Finally, after going through the pain and suffering process, one reaches the acceptance stage (Mitjana, 2022). According to Mitjana (2022), this does not mean that the death of a loved one no longer causes suffering, but rather that one develops the capacity to accept the loss, beginning to understand and assimilate the new reality that comes without that dearly loved person by one's side.
Understanding That Every Grief is Unique
Just as every person has unique characteristics, the relationship between a caregiver and their child also presents specific differences (Nicuesa, 2024). Consequently, the grieving process following a loss is an individual and exclusive journey for each person. It is crucial for each individual to accept grief personally and seek their own methods for managing it effectively. Among the various ways that can be helpful in coping with this experience are writing a letter, having a special object, such as a photograph, a piece of clothing, or a piece of jewelry, which allows one to feel the symbolic presence of their parent, as might be the case with jewelry designed to hold ashes (Nicuesa, 2024). Additionally, the guide "A Significant Person is No Longer Here" can be a valuable tool in this process, providing a space to explore and express feelings associated with the loss, helping to honor the memory of the deceased while moving through the grieving process.
Seeking Social Support
The weight of sadness is so intense that seeking support from close surroundings, such as friends and family, is beneficial, as their presence and companionship provide comfort to those going through this situation (Nicuesa, 2024). In such moments, each person's heart will indicate with whom they feel most comfortable. Sometimes, those who observe a situation like this from an external perspective want to help the affected person but are unsure of how to do so, as they want to respect their privacy during such a personal time. For this reason, according to Nicuesa (2024), it is crucial to express one's needs so that those around the bereaved can better understand how to offer support during these moments.
Understanding the Role of Time
The lack of time that the family had to say goodbye or prepare for the farewell before the deceased's death is especially relevant in the aftermath (Nicuesa, 2024). Each child requires their own grieving process to experience what happened, mourn the absence, and move forward. Time is crucial for living life from the new perspective that comes with the loss of a loved one. In such situations, beyond any theory, the individual finds their own path through practical experience. Although time is a vital factor, it should not be approached from an impatient perspective of wanting to close the cycle as quickly as possible. According to Nicuesa (2024), each person has a unique grieving process in response to a significant loss.
Taking Care of Inner Dialogue
Death generates a profound human incomprehension, especially when experienced so closely (Nicuesa, 2024). In such circumstances, the human being, while trying to find reasons for what happened, may come to think that they would feel better if the circumstances of the death had been different. The reality is that the loss of a caregiver, regardless of the process in which it occurred, leaves a deeply human feeling, like the sense that many things were left unsaid. In the case of an unexpected death, questions multiply due to the unpredictable nature of the situation. People may ask themselves: What would they have liked to say? Perhaps, according to Nicuesa (2024), these feelings can be expressed through a letter or a poem.
Resuming Routine
A person's life inevitably changes when experiencing a loss of this kind, transforming their inner world (Nicuesa, 2024). However, by resuming both professional and personal commitments, they may find in the usual comfort zone an anchor to hold onto. In these moments, according to Nicuesa (2024), the sense of security offered by a predictable routine proves therapeutic, as the inner dialogue about the brevity of life and the unpredictability of fate becomes a constant echo.
Seeking Professional Support
Although it is not always necessary, Nicuesa (2024) mentions that in some cases it is highly advisable for a person to take the initiative to seek help, as through individual psychotherapy, the bereaved can find a space in the therapeutic environment to share emotional aspects of themselves that they do not disclose to other friends and family.
References
Mitjana, L. R. (2022, marzo 12). Cómo Gestionar Emocionalmente la Muerte Repentina de un Padre. La Mente es Maravillosa. https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/como-gestionar-emocionalmente-muerte-repentina-padre/
Nicuesa, M. (2024, julio 11). Cómo Superar la Muerte Repentina de un Padre. Psicologia Online. https://www.psicologia-online.com/como-superar-la-muerte-repentina-de-un-padre-4052.html
Pastor, P. (2014, mayo 22). El Duelo por una Muerte Inesperada. Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. https://www.fundacionmlc.org/duelo-muerte-inesperada/
Comments