All human beings must confront the pain of loss throughout their lives, and children are no exception (Rodríguez, 2023). However, often their experience of this situation is not fully understood. Therefore, it is important to understand how children navigate this process in order to implement different strategies to help them overcome it. Likewise, it is crucial to dispel misconceptions about childhood grief that may hinder their recovery. This way, the best possible support can be provided to children when they face this painful situation. However, Rodríguez (2023) mentions that, to better understand these beliefs, it is necessary to first define what is grief.
What is Grief?
Grief is a coping process for loss that involves a series of stages (Rodríguez, 2023). Although it is often associated with the death of a loved one, it can also be related to other situations such as job loss, a breakup, or the death of a pet, among others. Psychologist Klüber-Ross proposed that to overcome this loss, one must go through 5 stages, consisting of a succession of attitudes and moods, where emotions change until acceptance is reached. According to Rodríguez (2023), each person will experience this journey in their own way.
Denial is a defense mechanism against the pain experienced by not being able to believe what has happened (Rodríguez, 2023). The mind tries to find a way to maintain well-being despite being in a situation of maximum helplessness. Anger arises when the person accepts that the loss is real. The griever feels frustration and powerlessness about what has happened. In negotiation, the person seeks a way to reverse the situation. In the case of the death of a loved one, the griever may turn to religious or supernatural beliefs. At this stage, emotional pain is more intense than in any other phase. In depression, the person falls into strong despair and sadness due to the feeling of helplessness. Finally, according to Rodríguez (2023), in acceptance, the griever acknowledges that what happened is irreversible. However, unlike the previous phase, the person realizes that they can live with this loss.
On the other hand, it must be taken into account that children may experience this process differently, especially if they are young, as during the first years of life they tend to be very dependent both physically and emotionally and may not understand death and its consequences (Rodríguez, 2023). However, according to Rodríguez (2023), what they do perceive is the absence of that person, experiencing feelings of abandonment and vulnerability.
Understanding Children's Grief
Many people hold misconceptions about childhood grief, wrongly believing it differs significantly from the adult experience (Rodríguez, 2023). While there are some differences, shared aspects are also identified. In this regard, according to Rodríguez (2023), it is essential for children to experience a sense of love and protection from a significant figure.
"Children Don't Realize What's Happening"
A very dangerous belief about grief in childhood is that young children do not realize what is happening (Rodríguez, 2023). Although it is true that many times minors do not understand all the details of death and only perceive a change in routines or the absence of a familiar face, most of the time they are aware that something has happened and its consequences (Díaz, 2016). Therefore, according to Rodríguez (2023), they miss the person who has passed away and realize that the adults around them are suffering.
The problem with this belief is that it prevents giving children the support they need (Rodríguez, 2023). If they are not told what is happening, they may seek information on their own and find it in inadequate sources or misinterpret it (Cañadas, 2013). That is why it is important to consider that children do not ignore what is happening around them, no matter how small the changes are, and to address them appropriately: giving them more affection, speaking to them in a gentle tone, or explaining things to them when they are over two years old (Díaz, 2016). Thus, according to Díaz (2016), they will be able to understand the basics of the situation and process their grief in a healthy way.
"Children Don´t Grieve"
It is observed that children do grieve, but their way of expressing it is different from that of adults and varies according to their age (Artaraz Ocerinjaúregui et al., 2017). Teenagers experience grief quite similarly to adults, but they may react by hiding their emotions, so as not to feel "different" from others (Borja Royo & Montesinos, 2020). In contrast, Borja Royo & Montesinos (2020) mention that boys and girls may have a more fluctuating emotional expression and sometimes show more anger and aggressive behaviors.
"Children's Grief Shouldn't Last Long"
There is a mistaken belief about childhood grief related to the supposed appropriate duration of it (Rodríguez, 2023). Some parents think that a child should overcome the death of a loved one as soon as possible since missing someone for a long time is a sign of weakness. However, this creates excessive pressure on the youngest ones, who not only have to deal with their pain but also with the feeling that they are not meeting expectations (Rodríguez, 2023). The truth is that there is no exact time to overcome grief; each child requires a specific time according to their age and development (Díaz, 2016). According to Díaz (2016), the child will resolve the different emotions as they arise, and some things will be dealt with immediately while others will be addressed as they arise according to life changes.
"It's Better to Hide Pain from Children"
Children are not exempt from the pain and suffering of a significant loss, but their way of expressing it is different from that of adults (Artaraz Ocerinjaúregui et al., 2017). If they are excluded from this experience, they are prevented from developing the necessary skills to cope with these situations (making the loss real, identifying emotions, social skills to express their negative feelings, reworking and adapting to the new situation...) that will occur throughout their lives (Borja Royo & Montesinos, 2020). Furthermore, they are taught that hiding their feelings is a good idea, complicating the process (Borja Royo & Montesinos, 2020). According to Artaraz Ocerinjaúregui et al. (2017), the best way to protect them is to communicate what has happened to them in a language appropriate to their age, involve them in family activities, and give them space to express and share emotions, rituals (always accompanied by an adult).
"Not All Deaths Can Cause Grief"
It is believed that not all deaths should cause pain, but emotions are not easy to control (Rodríguez, 2023). Therefore, children may have to grieve for a loss that should not initially be so complicated, such as the loss of a pet or someone not very close. The key here is understanding, as children are not choosing to feel bad. Therefore, in line with Rodríguez (2023), adults in the environment of grieving children must be patient and help them as much as possible.
"In Childhood, Rituals Aren't Understood"
Children's participation in funerals and/or wakes allows them to make the death of a loved one real and share their grief with the rest of the family (Borja Royo & Montesinos, 2020). When they are excluded from these rituals, they feel marginalized, alienated from the family, and with less significant pain (Artaraz Ocerinjaúregui et al., 2017). Experts agree that from the age of 6, it is advisable to offer them the option to attend wakes or funerals, always accompanied by a close person who explains to them what they will see, what will happen, and who answers their questions. However, below the age of 3, they may not understand the meaning of these rituals and may be scared. According to Artaraz Ocerinjaúregui et al. (2017), between 3 and 6 years old, there is no unanimous criterion, but it is suggested to offer them the possibility of participating in a small group and with known people.
Referencias
Artaraz Ocerinjaúregui, B., Sierra García, E., González Serrano, F., García García, J. Á., Blanco Rubio, V., & Landa Petralanda, V. (2017). Guía Sobre el Duelo en la Infancia y la Adolescencia: Formación para madres, padres y profesorado. Colegio de Médicos de Bizkaia. https://www.sepypna.com/documentos/Guía-sobre-el-duelo-en-la-infancia-y-en-la-adolescencia-1.pdf
Borja Royo, A., & Montesinos, R. (2020, febrero 4). ¿Ocultamos la Muerte a Nuestros Hijos? Apai Psicólogos. https://www.apai-psicologos.com/ocultamos-la-muerte-a-nuestros-hijos/
Cañadas, M. L. (2013, marzo 5). Duelo en Niños… ¿Hablamos de Mitos e Ideas Erróneas? Psicólogos Salamanca. https://www.mariluzcanadas.es/psicologos-salamanca/duelo-en-ninos-hablamos-de-mitos-e-ideas-erroneas/
Díaz, P. (2016, noviembre 3). Las Creencias Erróneas más Extendidas Sobre el Duelo Infantil. Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. https://www.fundacionmlc.org/creencias-erroneas-sobre-el-duelo-infantil/
Rodríguez, A. (2023, septiembre 17). Tres Creencias Erróneas Sobre el Duelo Infantil. La Mente es Maravillosa. https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/tres-creencias-erroneas-sobre-el-duelo-infantil/
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