The most painful experience a child can face in life is the loss of a parent, an event so traumatic that it will have a significant impact on the child's development, deeply and permanently altering the course of their life (Bueno, 2024). From the very moment a parent dies, the child's life undergoes a radical change due to the inevitable modification of the family system that surrounds them and provides emotional support. However, Bueno (2024) suggests that by implementing a series of guidelines, it is possible to provide meaningful support in the grieving process that the child goes through after losing a parent.
How the Loss of a Parent Affects a Child
The death of a loved one leaves a deep wound that, like any other injury, illness, or physical wound, requires time to heal, and although it will eventually heal, it is important to remember that the scar will remain as an indelible mark of that experience (Bueno, 2024). The grief that follows that death is an experience that can extend over many years, affecting those who go through it. How this grief affects the child will largely depend on the empathetic and social skills of the surviving parent, who will have to take on the responsibility of accompanying and supporting the child. In fact, according to Bueno (2024), any psychopathology that may manifest in adulthood in those who have experienced the loss of a parent in childhood is correlated with the quality of care provided by the surviving parent after the loss, whether that care was good or bad.
If the death occurs suddenly or unexpectedly, the distress experienced is even more intense and requires special attention from the surviving parent, who must be prepared to provide appropriate support and comfort, considering that the physical shock experienced upon receiving the news is real and needs to be addressed sensitively (Bueno, 2024). According to Bueno (2024), for the child's emotional wound to heal in the best possible way, it is essential that the surviving parent reassures the child that they will not be left alone and that their life, although it will never be the same, will return to a routine as soon as possible, preserving those virtues of the previous life that are beneficial, such as routines and the relevant and necessary limits for their emotional and psychological development.
The Impact of Words on Childhood Grief
"Dad is not here, Mom has gone to heaven, Grandma has fallen asleep forever" are expressions some adults use to inform a child about the death of a loved one (Oller, 2020). Adults believe that terms like death, suicide, or cancer are too shocking for a child to process adequately. However, this perception is far from reality. Avoiding certain words out of fear only increases the fear of the concept they represent. Therefore, it is suggested that children be informed about the death of a parent, relative, friend, or close person in a clear and direct manner. It is crucial that the word "death" is explicitly mentioned in the conversation between the adult and the child. According to Oller (2020), even in the case of infants, the word "death" should be used, even if the child does not yet understand its meaning.
It is essential to prepare for possible unusual reactions from the child (Oller, 2020). The reactions that the child may experience upon receiving this news are varied. It is not surprising if a child exhibits behaviors such as wanting to continue playing immediately after being told about the death of their parent. This is completely normal; this reaction indicates that the child has received the information but is not yet ready to process it and needs time to do so. This behavior, which can extend for several hours, is not exclusive to children. A similar example can be seen in adults who, in a house full of people offering condolences, decide to start washing the dishes. At these moments, according to Oller (2020), during the initial phase of grief, it is crucial that the person who has just received the news feels accompanied.
It is important to differentiate between facts and beliefs (Oller, 2020). Unlike an adult, the child needs to know that they will be well cared for and that someone will always be available to answer their questions after the death of their caregiver. If the child asks where Mom or Dad is, it should be explained that their body is in the cemetery, has been cremated and placed in an urn, or that their ashes have been scattered. If the family is religious, they can share their beliefs with the child; however, it is necessary to use the verb "believe," as otherwise, the child might develop psychotic thoughts. In this way, some children may avoid flying on airplanes because they believe the sky is full of dead people or imagine that their deceased parent is constantly watching them. According to Oller (2020), these beliefs can cause great distress.
It is crucial to avoid making false promises (Oller, 2020). After the death of one parent, it is common for the child to ask the surviving parent if they are going to die as well. In moments of desperation, many adults choose to give a definitive negative answer. However, according to Oller (2020), it is preferable to offer alternative responses like: "Dad/Mom was sick; I am fine and hope to live with you for many years."
Guidelines for Helping Children Grieve the Loss of a Parent
Being Honest and Sincere in Communication
In situations where a child does not have complete information, it is natural for their mind to try to fill in the gaps with fantasies and imagination (Bueno, 2024). For this reason, it is essential to explain what happened in an honest and sincere way, adapting the explanation to their level of understanding and age, ensuring that they can process the information in the best possible way. In this sense, according to Bueno (2024), it is ideal for the surviving parent to take on this communication, especially in the early stages after the death of the other parent.
Allowing the Child to Participate in Farewell Rituals
When the time for the funeral comes, many families tend to consider that places like the church, cemetery, or funeral home are not suitable for children, as they may be too disturbing or sad (Oller, 2020). However, it is recommended not to exclude the child from these rituals, as participating in them can help process grief in a healthier way. It is crucial, however, that the child is thoroughly informed about what will happen at each moment and what they will encounter at each place, which should be done by a reference person for the child. Children, regardless of their age, should experience these moments naturally and at their own pace. If they express a desire not to attend the farewell, Oller (2020) mentions that they should not be forced to do so, although it is recommended to invite them to participate in some form of farewell ritual that allows them to start channeling their pain and honoring the memory of the deceased parent.
Providing Emotional Security and Reassurance
The loss of a parent often generates great insecurity, making the child feel vulnerable to the possibility of facing more losses in the future (Bueno, 2024). It is not possible to guarantee that there will be no more deaths in their environment, as that would be a lie, but it is possible to explain that, generally, people tend to die at an old age, which can offer some reassurance. Additionally, it is recommended to discuss with the child what would happen if the surviving parent were to die, addressing topics like who would take care of them, where they would live, and other relevant aspects. According to Bueno (2024), involving the child in these decisions will provide them with a sense of control and security in a time of great uncertainty.
Facilitating the Expression of Emotional Pain
Manifestations of grief in a child or adolescent can vary significantly, ranging from episodes of anger and irritability to behaviors that appear completely indifferent to the loss, as if nothing had happened (Bueno, 2024). If the adult is unsure how the suffering is affecting the child emotionally, the best approach is to spend time with them and observe their attitudes and behaviors, as these will provide valuable clues about the level of distress they are experiencing. Likewise, according to Bueno (2024), it is not uncommon for the child or adolescent to prefer to express their emotional pain and seek comfort from other people in their environment, such as a teacher, friends, or peers, rather than from the surviving parent.
Maintaining Routines and Rules
In times of great emotional turbulence, such as grieving the death of a parent, it is crucial for the child to cling to the routines and rules previously established (Bueno, 2024). Although these activities may be challenging for the grieving and saddened adult, especially when the loss is recent, maintaining a predictable structure can help reduce the fear and uncertainty the child experiences. Children and adolescents find security when they know what is expected of them. Sometimes, they may use their distress as a justification for inappropriate behaviors; in these cases, it is important to recognize their right to feel pain and sadness, but it is also essential, with empathy, to emphasize the importance of being responsible for their actions and the consequences of those actions. According to Bueno (2024), being in grief should not be an excuse to allow rules that were previously not accepted to be broken.
Promoting Personal Health and Well-Being as a Model
The child needs the presence of an adult who remains emotionally and physically healthy to provide support and understanding during the grieving process (Bueno, 2024). Therefore, it is crucial for the adult to take care of their own physical and emotional well-being and not hesitate to seek external support if necessary to process their grief. Failure to do so, according to Bueno (2024), risks transferring the pain to the child, which could complicate the child's grieving process.
Expanding the Dialogue and Creating New Avenues of Communication
Sharing personal experiences where an adult has felt distress or sadness, especially if they experienced the death of a loved one during their childhood, can help the child normalize and understand what they are going through (Bueno, 2024). Likewise, it is essential to listen to how the child is handling the situation and allow them to ask questions to express their emotions. Encouraging the development of new avenues of creative expression, such as drawing, writing, modeling, or playing together, can be beneficial when words do not seem sufficient to communicate what is felt (Bueno, 2024). In this context, the guide "An Important Person is No Longer Around" can be a valuable tool to help the child process the loss in a way that feels safe and understandable to them. In line with Bueno (2024), these new experiences and forms of communication will contribute to building a unique and original narrative about the grieving process.
Practicing Patience and Allowing the Necessary Time to Adapt
In the context of grief, calmness and patience are essential, rather than rushing to quickly forget or escape the pain (Bueno, 2024). Patience and support will allow a new bond to form between the surviving parent and the child, helping to gradually ease the intense pain, sorrow, distress, shock, and recurring longing. It is beneficial to spend time together creating new moments, reminiscing about the past, comforting each other, or honoring the memory of the deceased through meaningful remembrances. Facilitating mutual comfort can be one of the best ways to move forward in the grieving process. Patience, at its core, is key to allowing experiences to either integrate or fade with time. According to Bueno (2024), spending time with the child in a calm and reflective manner will promote growth and continuity in the construction of their lives.
Seeking Additional Help if Necessary
As children and adolescents learn to cope with the death of a loved one, it is essential to provide them with the necessary space, understanding, and patience so they can express their grief in the way that feels most natural to them (Lyness, 2012). The way children express their grief can differ significantly from that of adults; for example, a young child might not cry or might react with problematic behaviors like hyperactivity, while a teenager could show anger and prefer to talk about their feelings with friends rather than with their parents. Whatever the child's or teenager's reaction, it is important not to take it as a personal attack. In accordance with Lyness (2012), facing the loss of a loved one is a process that requires time and care, similar to facing other difficult situations.
However, it is crucial to be aware of any significant changes in the child’s behavior, such as drastic changes in social interaction or academic performance. If a substantial alteration is observed, it is advisable to seek professional help, consulting with a doctor, school psychologist, or a specialized psychological care organization. Additionally, resources such as books, websites, and support groups can be used to provide guidance. Lyness (2012) mentions that, although parents may wish to protect their children from situations involving sadness and loss, teaching them to face and manage these feelings will allow them to develop valuable emotional skills that will serve them throughout their lives.
References
Bueno, M. (2024, junio 15). El Duelo de un Hijo por la Muerte de un Padre o Madre. Criar con Sentido Común; Criar con Sentido Comun. https://www.criarconsentidocomun.com/duelo-por-muerte-de-padre-madre/
Lyness, D. (2012). Cómo Ayudar a su Hijo a Enfrentar la Muerte de un ser Querido. KidsHealth. https://kidshealth.org/es/parents/death.html
Oller, S. (2020, junio 18). Cómo Comunicar a un Niño la Muerte de Papá o Mamá. La Vanguardia. https://www.lavanguardia.com/vivo/mamas-y-papas/20200618/481714212910/nino-muerte-papa-mama.html
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