In the past, when a family member passed away, they were mourned at home and children attended the entire ritual alongside the rest of the family (González, 2017). However, this custom has changed, and now it's common to shield children from these moments, which makes them feel excluded from the family unit when they need protection the most. Similarly, there's a trend to overprotect minors with euphemisms or lies about death to spare them pain (González, 2017). According to Farias (2023), this is a mistake as it can cause confusion and distress in the child, who may think that death is something bad or that they can't talk about it to avoid saddening their caregivers.
As a result, the child won't be able to express or process their grief but will instead keep it to themselves and isolate (Farias, 2023). Therefore, it's important to prepare children to face death as a natural part of life and help them normalize the stages of grief when it occurs (González, 2017). In line with Farias (2023), the child cannot be shielded from adult emotions as they perceive their parents' and friends' tears, silences, and isolation, knowing that something has happened. Hence, it's essential for the child to learn to manage their emotions.
Key Concepts
To better understand death, children need answers to some fundamental aspects about it (Díaz, 2013). One of them is universality, which means that death happens to all living beings. Another is irreversibility, implying that once someone dies, they cannot come back to life. It's also important to explain causality, referring to death occurring when the functions that keep an organism alive are interrupted. Furthermore, according to Díaz (2013), it's necessary to inform them about the reasons for the death of their loved one, specifically the specific causes that led to it.
Children commonly feel guilty about the death of someone close, either because they have an egocentric view of the world or because they've had some conflict with that person causing them remorse (Díaz, 2013). Hence, it's crucial to clarify that they bear no responsibility for the death. Additionally, they should be allowed to express their feelings about it. It's important to remember that there are no good or bad feelings, and if they don't want to express them at that moment, they can be told how one feels and that they will be listened to when they're ready to talk. There's no need to fear causing them harm or trauma. Generally, children confront death in a more natural way than adults, as they have already had contact with it through movies, nature, stories, among others. According to Díaz (2013), if they appear affected, it's usually because they perceive the emotional impact that death has on adults and they absorb those feelings.
Communicating Death to Children
In order for children to understand the situation, they should be told the truth when a family member has passed away (Farias, 2023). One of their parents or, failing that, a close relative or friend should communicate the death to them with delicacy and affection (González, 2017). A quiet and safe place should be chosen, preferably their room, where the child feels protected and accompanied. The adult should sit beside them and establish physical and visual contact, such as hugging them, holding their hand, or stroking their leg. They should speak calmly and clearly, using simple words and direct phrases, without avoiding terms like "dead" or "death" (González, 2017). Some religious families may resort to religious explanations, such as the deceased being "in heaven with God," but this can be confusing or ambiguous for the child (Farias, 2023). According to Farias (2023), false hopes should be avoided, such as telling the child that the loved one "is a star" or that "they will come back".
Finally, children should be included in farewell ceremonies, as long as they are old enough to understand what they will hear or see during religious services (Farias, 2023). In line with Farias (2023), now more than ever they need their active presence to be required, to be taken into account, and to be valued as an important member of the family.
Early Childhood
Early childhood comprises the period of life from birth to 2 years old (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). During this time, an important milestone in developmental progress occurs: between six and eight months, children acquire the notion of object permanence, which means they can feel the absence of the person with whom they have formed a strong bond and remember them even when they are not present, wishing to reunite with them (Cid Egea, 2011). This milestone is the first prerequisite for the formation of the concept of death, which begins to be constructed based on experiences of separation and encounter with the objects around them (Cid Egea, 2011). According to Farias (2023), when babies and young children do not understand death but perceive the feelings of caregivers, it is important for the adult to acknowledge their need to be sad.
This implies that, although they may not understand the meaning of the word death, babies and young children do notice the absence of the person, especially if it is a significant figure (Cid Egea, 2011). Thus, they perceive death as an absence and are aware of the changes it brings to their routines (Cid Egea, 2011). Likewise, it is important to consider that the intense emotional expressions of the adult may distress the child (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). Therefore, until the age of 2, children express their emotions through behavior rather than language. When the child has language, it is important to use simple and brief words and communicate the news clearly and calmly, providing a secure environment. The caregiver should deliver the news in a comfortable and familiar place for the child (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). Since they do not yet have a clear concept of the irreversibility of death, González (2017) mentions that it is important for them to understand that death is not something changeable.
The appropriate time to do this is when the adult feels they have their own emotions under control; after communicating the news, there should be the possibility for the child to resume their play or usual routine (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). This is fundamental at this stage, as children's world depends on daily routines and contact with caregivers (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). Therefore, routines should be preserved as much as possible, as this will provide protection to the child (Farias, 2023). Similarly, efforts should be made to keep the child's spaces as they were before the loved one's death, in order to avoid changes that may cause more distress, confusion, or insecurity (Cid Egea, 2011). Finally, in accordance with Farias (2023), care should be taken not to physically separate from the child and to offer attention to console them and convey security.
From 3 to 5 Years (Preschool Age)
For children of these ages, death is seen as a temporary and reversible state similar to sleeping or dreaming, so they believe that the deceased person will wake up or return someday (Cid Egea, 2011). Therefore, it is crucial to use clear, precise, and real language when explaining what dying entails or what death means, considering that they interpret literally what happens around them (Cid Egea, 2011). The primary caregiver should be responsible for providing them with an explanation in a moment of calm and in a safe place for them (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). According to Cid Egea (2011), there is no need to provide an extensive or metaphysical explanation about death, but rather to offer practical knowledge based on facts to help them understand what happens, why it happens, and how we react to death.
The news should be communicated to them as soon as possible, without waiting any longer (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). They will be helped to understand that death is irreversible and that the people who die will not be seen again (Cid Egea, 2011). When they might question whether we will also die, they can be told that this will happen when we are "very, very, very old". The use of multiple "very" conveys to them that people usually die when they are elderly, implying that they will already be "adults". This is a way to provide them with security in their condition as children. According to Cid Egea (2011), if the cause of death was an illness, emphasis should be placed on the fact that people die when they are "very, very, very sick" so that they distinguish between levels of illness and understand that when one is "sick", there is no risk of dying.
Expressions like "went to the great beyond" or "went to sleep" should be avoided, as the child will not understand them and may develop fear of sleeping or traveling (Farias, 2023). Children should know that the loved one has died and that this means they will not see them anymore (Farias, 2023). The best way to know what children understand about death is to talk to them (Cid Egea, 2011). By asking them what they think, it can be understood what they comprehend about what happened and address the doubts and concerns they raise (Cid Egea, 2011). Finally, according to Ruiz Mitjana (2020), a space will be offered for them to express their doubts if they have any.
From 6 to 9 Years
At this age, children understand that death is irreversible, but they still have some questions about what happens to people who die, if it hurts them, if they can hear them, or where they go (González, 2017). It is important for adults to respond to them honestly and offer open answers so that they can form their own opinion about it (González, 2017). At this stage, according to Ruiz Mitjana (2020), it is normal for them to seek many explanations, so adults must be willing to address their doubts frankly and clearly.
When communicating the news of a death, a clear, real, and brief explanation should be given to them without delaying too much in conveying it (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). For example, they can be told that some people believe that the deceased go to heaven, others are reborn after a while, others that everything ends with death, and in reality, no one knows for sure, and they can be explained what adults think and feel about it, but they can also be encouraged to think and believe what makes them feel better (González, 2017). In short, in accordance with Farias (2023), children should know that the loved one who has died will not return and that they will not be able to see them anymore.
Another aspect to consider is that school - age children may feel guilty about what happened, and the adult must ensure that they understand that nothing they did, said, failed to do, or failed to say caused the death, and that nothing they do can bring the person back to life (Farias, 2023). Likewise, they may fear being alone, especially when the deceased adult was important to them. According to Farias (2023), they should be reminded that not all people who get sick die; they should be reassured about their health and reminded of how many people love and care for them; they should be helped with their activities to reduce anxiety levels.
From 10 to 13 Years (Pre - Adolescence)
At this age, children already have an understanding of death similar to that of adults, and their main concern is their own safety and that of their environment (González, 2017). To communicate the loss of a loved one to them, it must be done clearly, briefly, and sincerely (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). A private and quiet place should be sought to talk to them and allow them to express their emotions and ask questions. This facilitates them feeling heard and supported (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). At this point, it can be very helpful to share one's own feelings with them or to tell them about grief experiences from youth (Cid Egea, 2011). This way, it is conveyed to them that, despite the pain of death, life can still go on. According to Cid Egea (2011), adults' testimony is the most reliable example for them.
The child may not want to talk about death because it is very painful for them (Farias, 2023). In that case, their pace and space should be respected, and they should be allowed to choose whether they want to be alone or accompanied by their friends (González, 2017). The important thing is to let them know that there are people who love them and who will be available for whatever they need. Also, the child should be explained that grief is a process that takes time and that normality will gradually be restored, and understand if they appear irritable or silent, as anger and silence are sometimes ways of expressing suffering. Furthermore, in accordance with González (2017), the child's pain should be respected, regardless of their age, if it is the death of a pet, as it is another family member.
At ten years old, the child may perform some actions to say goodbye to the loved one, such as visiting a sick person, taking flowers to the cemetery, or attending a tribute ceremony, as long as the meaning of these actions is explained to them (Farias, 2023). According to Farias (2021), it is not necessary for them to see the corpse or attend the funeral home, or to be given details about the death, as this may hinder their assimilation, but they can participate in farewell ceremonies, which are a way to honor life and keep the best memories of the loved one.
Adolescence
Adolescence is a particularly sensitive stage where they face understanding death as adults do, however, they may refuse to express their emotions (Farias, 2023). In this situation, it is crucial to carefully explain to them the definitive death and the reason for it, respecting their space and showing oneself available to answer any questions or doubts that may arise at that time (Ruiz Mitjana, 2020). Also, in accordance with Ruiz Mitjana (2020), it is ideal for the news to be communicated by the person who has the closest bond with the teenager, in an intimate place and as soon as possible.
Adolescents may wonder many things about death, give their opinion, and expose their theories about why we die and whether there is or not "an afterlife" (Cid Egea, 2011). These issues should be answered with honesty, trust, and honesty, without hiding the truth from them, since that is what they need most at this time (Cid Egea, 2011). They may also try to find meaning in death and question the purpose of life (Farias, 2023). In this case, in accordance with Farias (2023), patience should be exercised and adolescents should be encouraged to express their pain, without judging or minimizing it.
Some physical activities, such as listening to music, writing, drawing, among others, can help them reduce tension and channel their emotions (Farias, 2023). However, attention should be paid to possible dangerous behaviors they may begin to exhibit and that put their lives at risk, such as drug use, unprotected sex, etc. (Cid Egea, 2011). Sometimes, the adolescent feels so far removed from the reality of death that they feel that, as long as they are young, they can be immune to it. Faced with these behaviors, it is not advisable to abuse punishment or insist that they understand the dangers they are exposed to, as they already know that, if we risk our lives, we can all die. What can really be more effective is to ensure that they experience this reality as something possible, through the testimony of others whose lives have been damaged. According to Cid Egea (2011), the idea of immortality becomes much stronger at this stage, when they feel driven by a constantly bubbling energy.
References
Carpio, J. Á. (2013, noviembre 1). Cómo explicar la muerte a los niños: “Siempre hay que decir la verdad”. RTVE.es. https://www.rtve.es/noticias/20131101/como-explicar-muerte-a-ninos-siempre-hay-decir-verdad/780285.shtml
Cid Egea, L. (2011). Explícame qué ha Pasado. Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. https://www.psie.cop.es/uploads/GuiaDueloFMLC[1].pdf
Díaz, P. (2013, enero 24). Cómo Explicar la Muerte a los Niños. Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. https://www.fundacionmlc.org/como-explicar-la-muerte-a-los-ninos/
Farias, I. (2023). Cómo Explicarles la Muerte a los Niños. PsicoActiva. https://www.psicoactiva.com/blog/como-explicar-la-muerte-a-los-ninos/
González, M. (2017, junio 25). Cómo Explicarle a un Niño o Niña la Muerte de un ser Querido. Psicplogía y Mente. https://psicologiaymente.com/clinica/explicarle-nino-muerte-ser-querido
Ruiz Mitjana, L. (2020, julio 16). Cómo Explicarles la Muerte a los Niños. La Mente es Maravillosa. https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/como-explicarles-la-muerte-a-los-ninos/
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