Illness and death are part of life (Badia, 2020). The existence of diseases and the limitation of human life are undeniable realities. Although the attitude of denying or ignoring them is respected, it is not beneficial. Instead, talking about illness and death helps to normalize them and to learn strategies to cope with them (Badia, 2020). At some point, almost everyone has attended a funeral, either for the death of a loved one or to support a family member or a friend in grief (Ruiz, 2020). In this situation, the challenge of expressing condolences to the family or friends of the deceased person arises. Likewise, condolences can be expressed even if one has not been able to attend the funeral, especially in the current context of the pandemic (Ruiz, 2020). However, the question of how to offer condolences in an appropriate way arises. Is there a better way than another? Is it different to do it by phone or in writing? What aspects should be considered?
How to Express Condolences in Writing?
When one cannot attend the funeral or the wake for some reason, or prefers another alternative, one can choose to express condolences through a card or a letter of sympathy (Ruiz, 2020). Condolence cards consist of images with a message of condolence and a background drawing, which is usually a set of flowers or a serene landscape. On the other hand, letters are more extensive and personal, and reflect empathy with the family of the deceased when one has not been able to be with them in this very hard moment (Ruiz, 2020). However, writing a letter of condolence can be complicated (Kramer, 2020). This is because it can be confusing to write about someone who was not known, such as the parents of a friend or the spouse of a boss (Kramer, 2020). Nevertheless, Ruiz (2020) states that one can choose one option or another, depending on the trust that one has with the person who wants to be accompanied in their pain.
How to Express Condolences by Whatsapp?
It is often considered that expressing condolences by WhatsApp is a very cold way of showing sympathy, so the phone is preferred as a means of communication (Ruiz, 2020). However, in some cases, this may be the only option available (Badia, 2020). One of its advantages is that it is less invasive and may be suitable if it is a person who shows resistance or with whom you do not have a trusting relationship (Badia, 2020). Also, according to Carbone (2020), sending a condolence message is an effective method to quickly contact friends and relatives who have suffered a loss.
These short and meaningful messages help people in mourning feel comforted and supported (Carbone, 2020). In addition, people in mourning can relieve themselves of the burden of answering or returning calls while they assimilate the initial impact of a death and, at the same time, organize the funeral (Carbone, 2020). However, a voice message can convey more closeness and personality than a written one (Badia, 2020). Even so, the degree of bond and trust that you have with the person should be taken into account. Finally, in correspondence with Badia (2020), you should avoid sending a text message that is too long or using the typical phrases that can be counterproductive.
How to Offer Condolences by Telephone?
When you need to offer condolences by phone, even though it may not be the most appropriate in those moments of sadness, sometimes you don’t have another alternative (Ruiz, 2020). That’s why a good option is to make a video call, because by seeing the person you get more information than just with their voice (Badia, 2020). Also, you can use part of the non-verbal communication, such as a look, a smile, an expression of understanding and complicity, gestures that make the condolences more comforting, even if the contact is not physical (Badia, 2020). Likewise, it is advisable to express sincerely what you are feeling (Ruiz, 2020). Therefore, you should avoid the use of “typical” and empty phrases, and be as honest as possible. A very long call is not necessary, simply, you can choose, for example, a: “I’m very sorry for your loss”, “I’m here for whatever you need”, among others. According to Ruiz (2020), this will also vary depending on the relationship you have with the person.
How to Offer Condolences in Person?
This may be the hardest part, but, again, you should opt for naturalness and express honestly what you are feeling (Ruiz, 2020). If you perceive that you are elaborating a mental script of what you are going to say, you should check that it is not too detailed, and you should not try to memorize complete sentences perfectly, as this will only cause you to have more reasons to feel nervous and take away honesty from the way you express yourself (Torres, n.d.). On the other hand, the context in which the condolences are given is also part of the message (Torres, n.d.). According to Ruiz (2020), when you attend the funeral home and you have to give your condolences, you will wait for the family to be more or less available and at a time when they seem to be a little calm, to approach them and communicate your condolences.
There is no “correct” phrase to give condolences in person, however, “I feel for you” (Ruiz, 2020) is often used. You can use this phrase, but you should add something else, something that you feel, although this is up to each one. Here it is advisable to ask the person if they need anything, offer them help and comfort, among others. In correspondence with Ruiz (2020), the words will be accompanied by a hug, a kiss or a handshake, depending on the relationship you have with the person.
Giving Condolences: A Very Personal Thing
Giving condolences should not be, in any way, a taboo, nor something very artificial or prepared beforehand (Ruiz, 2020). It is about communicating to the person that you regret their loss and that you accompany them in their pain. With the closest people, you may want to talk for a while, hug them and kiss them. On the other hand, for people who are not so close, you can choose the words “I feel for you” or “I’m very sorry for your loss”, accompanied by a gesture of closeness, such as a caress on the shoulder. It is important to highlight that breaking down with, and in front of, the other person is completely normal, as crying and suffering are totally understandable emotions in the face of loss and are part of the grieving process (Ruiz, 2020). In addition, according to Ruiz (2020), they are a way of telling the other, “I’m here, I feel the same as you, I understand you”, which will allow you to validate their emotions and make them feel a little more welcomed.
References
Badia, A. (2020). CÓMO DAR EL PÉSAME: Consejos y Frases. psicologia-online.com. Recuperado 3 September 2021, a partir de https://www.psicologia-online.com/como-dar-el-pesame-consejos-y-frases-5015.html
Carbone, J. (2020). Condolences Text Messages: How to Comfort Someone Who Lost a Loved One Over Text. The Everdays Blog. Recuperado 6 September 2021, a partir de https://everdays.com/blog/condolences-text-messages-can-i-really-text-someone-about-a-death/
Kramer, L. (2020). Consejos para escribir una carta que exprese el pésame. AARP. Recuperado 6 September 2021, a partir de https://www.aarp.org/espanol/hogar-familia/familia-bienestar/info-2020/como-escribir-una-carta-de-pesame-condolencias.html
Ruiz, L. (2020). ¿Cómo dar el pésame?. La Mente es Maravillosa. Recuperado 3 September 2021, a partir de https://lamenteesmaravillosa.com/como-dar-el-pesame/
Torres, A. Cómo dar el pésame ante la pérdida de un ser querido. Psicologiaymente.com. Recuperado 3 September 2021, a partir de https://psicologiaymente.com/psicologia/como-dar-pesame
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