The death of a loved one is a delicate subject that requires appropriate communication with children, but many adults are unsure how to approach it (Tarrés, 2023). They are anxious and concerned about discussing serious illnesses, accidents, or death with their children, fearing they will cause them pain and sadness that they believe children cannot handle due to their age and immaturity. Therefore, they often delay such conversations as much as possible (Tarrés, 2023). However, most young children are aware of death, even if they do not understand it (Ehmke, 2019). Death is a common theme in cartoons and television, and some of the child's friends may have already experienced the loss of a loved one. However, experiencing grief firsthand is a different and often confusing experience for children. According to Ehmke (2019), adults cannot protect a child from the pain of loss, but they can help them develop healthy coping skills that will benefit them in the future.
Normal grief is characterized by being transient (though its duration is not fixed) and requires emotional processing and a journey, but its manifestations can be mistaken for pathology (Vera Mota, 2023). When a child loses a loved one, they may alternate between crying and playing within minutes (Ehmke, 2019). This does not mean they are not feeling sad or have overcome their grief; children cope with loss differently from adults, and play can be a way to avoid being overwhelmed. Likewise, in accordance with Ehmke (2019), it is normal for them to experience depression, guilt, anxiety, or anger towards the deceased or someone else.
In some cases, younger children may regress in their development, such as bed-wetting or baby talk (Ehmke, 2019). These expressions are varied and require careful attention to avoid confusing them with developmental issues (Vera Mota, 2023). Other factors influencing how a child processes grief include previous experiences, the child's age, their relationship with the deceased, preparation time, diagnosis, and planned changes, among others. Grieving a death involves distress and suffering and requires time to accept the loss. According to Vera Mota (2023), helping a child cope with loss does not mean eliminating their pain but helping them express their emotions.
What Signs to Look For?
Children's reactions to difficult situations can vary greatly, so it is important to pay attention to their emotions, such as sadness, anger, fear, shame, or guilt (Vera Mota, 2023). Changes in behavior should also be observed: some children may become more active or energetic than usual, while others may become more withdrawn, quiet, or talkative. Additionally, according to Vera Mota (2023), they may experience physical pain, decline in school performance, lose interest in play, disrupt their sleep, stop recounting their dreams, reduce their imagination, or ask fewer questions.
How to Support Them?
The way children understand and engage with death depends on both their developmental stage and family customs and rituals; therefore, each case requires individual evaluation to determine what is best for each child (Vera Mota, 2023). Although talking about death with children is difficult, it is important to introduce it to them as part of life and to provide spaces for them to process their grief, rather than closing or covering it up. According to Vera Mota (2023), it is crucial for adults to articulate and accompany children with words, helping them understand what death means, what has happened, and what has changed, always considering the child's language and age and handling the circumstances of death with care, without providing potentially harmful details in cases of traumatic or violent events.
Rituals can be key to facilitating grief (Vera Mota, 2023). Therefore, it is suggested to involve children, as long as someone accompanies them and helps answer their questions. However, some children are not ready for an intense experience like funerals, which can be useful for closure but also very sad and emotional, especially if there is a casket (Ehmke, 2019). Hence, children should never be forced to attend a funeral, and if they want to go, they should be prepared for what they will see and what to expect, considering that their behavior might be unpredictable. If the family decides that the child should not participate in family events, Ehmke (2019) suggests a symbolic farewell ritual at home, such as planting a tree, sharing stories, or releasing balloons, which can offer the child an opportunity for closure.
Using alternative resources that address the topic of death can help adults understand how children are processing what happened, such as children's books about grief and death, symbolic play, movies, or stories (Vera Mota, 2023). It is also important to validate children's emotions, recognizing the difficulty of both the loss and the changes that death may bring, and avoiding minimizing their emotions with phrases like: "don't be sad, everything will be fine," "don't worry," "don't be afraid," "don't cry," among others (Tarrés, 2023). Children and adolescents need to feel accompanied and heard, and they should be given space and time to identify and accept their emotions and feelings, including ambivalence (Vera Mota, 2023). For this, according to Ehmke (2019), various means can be used, such as reading books for children about death, drawing, creating a scrapbook, looking at photo albums, or telling stories.
Another important aspect of supporting children's grief is the need to teach them to deal with pain and sadness, offering them a real and genuine place to talk about their effects, always adjusting the language to each child's level of understanding (Vera Mota, 2023). Some questions to consider are: Where do we house our pain? What do we do when we are sad? How do we say goodbye to grandpa? How do we talk about fear at home? Lastly, Vera Mota (2023) suggests allowing others to accompany adults in their grief, teaching children to let themselves be accompanied by others in relationships, and to think about their own needs, such as asking, attending, participating, or seeking help (a hug, a gesture, listening, a moment alone, etc.).
Finally, it is crucial not to ignore one's own grief, as children often mimic their parents' grieving behavior (Ehmke, 2019). It is important to show emotions, to confirm to children that it is okay to feel sad or upset. However, one should avoid reacting explosively or uncontrollably, as this teaches children unhealthy ways to deal with grief. Additionally, maintaining routines is important, as children find comfort in them (Ehmke, 2019). Despite the importance of expressing sadness over the death of a loved one, it is also important for children to understand that life goes on, and that they should continue their daily activities, such as going to school, doing extracurricular activities, and playing (Tarrés, 2023). According to Tarrés (2023), if daily life becomes difficult after a reasonable and prudent time, it is recommended to consult a psychology professional for advice.
References
Ehmke, R. (2019, febrero 18). Apoyar a los Niños que Están en Duelo. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/es/articulo/ayudar-a-los-ninos-a-afrontar-el-duelo/
Tarrés, S. (2023, septiembre 7). Acompañar a los Niños en el Duelo. Mamá Psicóloga Infantil; Sara Tarrés. https://www.mamapsicologainfantil.com/acompanar-a-los-ninos-en-el-duelo/
Vera Mota, A. (2023, octubre 25). Duelo en la Infancia: ¿Qué Hacer Cuando un Niño ha Perdido a un ser Querido? Centro de Atención Psicológica; Sens Psicología. https://senspsicologia.com/2023/10/25/duelo-infantil/
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