Funerary rites refer to the ceremonies performed on the occasion of a person’s death (Oslé, 2021). When a family faces a loss, parents worry about the role children should play in the farewell rituals (mortuary, wake, burial, or funeral) and raise various questions: Is it good for the child to see the sick person in the hospital? What effect will it have on the child to see someone about to die? Is it appropriate for children to say goodbye to the person before death? Is it suitable to take the child to the mortuary or burial? Could visiting the mortuary traumatize the child? (Díaz, 2013). These decisions are very difficult to make as they depend on each child's maturity and development, as well as the beliefs and values of each family. Often, according to Díaz (2013), adults are guided by their own feelings and fears about death, but it is important to consider the needs and wishes of the children, which may differ.
At What Age Can Children Participate in Funerary Rites?
It is considered that children aged 6 years and older can fully participate in any ritual related to death, as they can understand them better than younger children (Díaz, 2013). This participation benefits their development and usually does not have negative effects on them, as long as the context and the personal situation they are experiencing are taken into account (Benito, 2022). For example, if visiting a sick person in a hospital, the child should be informed in advance and in detail about what they will see, what the place is like, how the relative is, etc. (Díaz, 2013). This way, the child will not be surprised or frightened by what they see, and it will help them prepare for the farewell. According to Díaz (2013), explanations given to the child should be clear and simple, adapted to their level of understanding and emotions.
How to Prepare Children for Funerary Rites
They should be informed of the death as soon as possible to prevent them from finding out from others (Benito, 2022). The place where they are told should be quiet and intimate, where they can express all their emotions and have the necessary time to process the information they have received. Honest and truthful answers should be given to all their questions. The decision to participate in the funerary rites should be made by the child, who should know if they want to attend the mortuary and the funeral. Before that, some aspects should be clarified: what they will see, what the place is like, where it is, how the room with the deceased in a coffin is (if it is open or closed, if the deceased is wearing their usual clothes, if there are flowers, among other things). Also, in accordance with Benito (2022), they should be explained what condolences consist of, telling them that people will approach to show their affection and sorrow for the death of their loved one.
The child should be explained the usual emotional reactions, telling them they will see some people crying, being sad, serious, or angry (Benito, 2022). They should know that all these reactions are normal when losing a loved one, as people become sad knowing they will not see that person again. They should be accompanied at all times. If one of the parents cannot do it, close people should make them feel calm and protected. If the child decides not to go to the mortuary, it should be respected and care taken that no family member makes them feel bad for not wanting to participate. According to Benito (2022), farewells are very important, and participating in the rites is a way to honor the deceased, both for adults and children.
When attending a funeral with the child, the cemetery should be described to the child and what they will find there. It should also be explained what will happen during the event, if a grave or niche will be observed, and how the burial process is. They should be given the option to pay tribute to the deceased if they wish and clarified what the possible tributes consist of, such as a prayer, some words, the deposit or collection of flowers, among others. Different situations that may occur during the funeral should also be anticipated. Finally, according to Díaz (2023), the child can be invited to collaborate or participate in the tribute if any is planned (Díaz, 2013).
Benefits of Involving Children in Farewell Rites
The concept of death should be introduced to children so that they normalize and integrate it from an early age (Benito, 2022). Thus, they will feel included and important in difficult times, when reality overwhelms many people (Oslé, 2021). This feeling of belonging will help them develop a healthy grieving process (Oslé, 2021). On the other hand, if they are isolated from the family core, they will realize that something is happening, but they will not receive the necessary explanations to understand it, which will generate a feeling of exclusion (Benito, 2022). The youngest also need to go through the farewell rituals to develop a healthy grief, as these rituals mark the beginning of acceptance of the loss (Benito, 2022). According to Oslé (2021), William Worden, one of the most recognized authors in the field of grief psychology, funerary rites are beneficial because they help meet three needs of children.
They Help Acknowledge the Death of the Loved One
The death of the loved one becomes evident with funerary rites, which helps children accept it: people say goodbye to those they will no longer see (Oslé, 2021). By burying or cremating the deceased, children who attend ensure that their loved one will not physically reappear. This builds the grieving process: it begins the adaptation to life without the deceased person. This does not mean that children who do not attend the farewell rites will inevitably have a complicated grief. According to Oslé (2021), it simply means that it is generally beneficial to attend them.
They Allow Honoring the Life of the Deceased Person
The celebration of the loved one’s life is the basis of many of these rites: anecdotes and love are shown towards them (Oslé, 2021). Speeches and readings about their life and achievements are also made. Additionally, the child’s pain is contextualized with the expressions of grief for their death. According to Oslé (2021), attending the rites is a way to honor the loved one who has passed away: being present to say goodbye.
They Establish a Support Network
The rituals provide support and comfort to children (Oslé, 2021). Although adults fear the pain these rituals may cause them, they find a space where they can express their emotions without being judged, where they see that others feel similar emotions to theirs, and where they receive comfort from friends and family through hugs, letters, messages, and other gestures. Not only is it advisable for children to attend, but also for their friends who wish to accompany them. Moreover, actively participating in the organization and the rites brings them benefits. According to Oslé (2021), they can collaborate in: organizing the funeral, choosing religious readings, flower arrangements, the deceased’s clothing, music, the coffin, the urn for the ashes, the epitaph text, among others.
References
Benito, N. (2022, enero 10). ¿Llevo a mi Hijo al Tanatorio y al Funeral? Parcesa. https://parcesa.es/llevo-a-mi-hijo-al-tanatorio-y-al-funeral/
Díaz, P. (2013, febrero 14). ¿Puedo Llevar a los Niños a un Funeral o al Tanatorio? Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. https://www.fundacionmlc.org/lllevar-a-un-nino-a-un-funeral/
Oslé, D. (2021, abril 15). Por qué es Bueno que los Niños Participen en los Ritos Funerarios. Fundación Mario Losantos del Campo. https://www.fundacionmlc.org/por-que-es-bueno-que-los-ninos-participen-en-los-ritos-funerarios/
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